clrturquoise .

bad news

2010-11-23T07:51:00.000-05:00

A good friend of mine from work just found out yesterday that she has breast cancer. The doctor called her at work and I happened to be the one who looked up and realized she was hearing very bad news. My friend didn't really believe the doctor - after all she'd just had a clean mammogram in September. Everything had all happened really quickly, beginning with a chance comment to a doctor in a follow-up visit.

She was reeling from all the information the doctor had tried to convey but did manage to figure out that it was lobular carcinoma and she thought the doctor had something about inflammation. I looked up lobular carcinoma which is a rarer type of breast cancer but just a difference of location (tissue vs. the ducts). It wasn't until this morning when I was looking on the Susan G. Komen site that I found inflammatory. And it is so not good. Apparently inflammatory breast cancer is a particularly evil version that develops very quickly and spreads very aggressively. It is automatically classified as stage IIIB or IV and the prognosis is "very poor" which explains why the doctor was saying things to her about "getting her things in order" which I thought was just bad bedside manner.

Ugh. I have so much to do in the next two weeks as school wraps up - but all I can do is stare at the screen. This is such bad news.

post-interview blues

2010-10-07T10:05:00.002-04:00

I went in for an interview yesterday for a p/t job at a local library. I was feeling ambivalent about the job since (1) it entails work that is primarily not my area of interest (e.g., not a lot of interaction with patrons, mostly computer work) and (2) I'm worried that adding 20 hrs to the mix might upset my oh-so-nice balance of work & play I have going right now. However, money is certainly tight and a few extra dollars wouldn't hurt. Plus it would be good to get some *real* experience under my belt.

So going in to the interview I felt pretty good about things. If I get the job, great and if I don't, that's probably ok too. Fast forward to today and all that very-logical reasoning is out the window. First I had trouble sleeping the night before and then was very nervous, especially when I went into the interview - a panel of people asking me a series of formulaic questions (e.g., give an example of a time when you acted independently). All the preparation I had done on the specifics about the job itself were more or less useless because it was a government job and so they had to ask the same questions to every applicant. Worse, I started to get flustered and things went from bad to worse. I couldn't think of answers to the questions and really wished I could just ask for a do-over :)

So now I'm trying to put it all behind me. Maybe I am making too much out of it and maybe I wasn't so bad as I think. It's annoying though - had I aced the interview, I could have kept my philosophical attitude towards the job. Now it's really bugging me, especially because I know I could do the job easily - but I don't think that came across at all in the interview.

Banned Books Week

2010-09-25T23:30:00.001-04:00

Next week is Banned Books Week and the student chapter of the ALA is sponsoring a read-out on Wednesday to read from books that have been banned from libraries for some reason or other. We'll each read aloud for ~10 minutes from a book that's been banned so I've been looking over the list of books on the ALA site, trying to choose the one I want. Check out the top 100 for the last decade (2000-2009). It's practically a who's who of all the great authors. Sure, there are some I thought would be there: Harry Potter with its controversial magic themes and the young adult books with concepts that are just a bit too realistic. Those are the ones I was expecting for the recent lists. But mingled in are some of the true classics - authors like Steinbeck & Harper Lee. And does Judy Blume's Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret really warrant a banning?

OK, so I get it when people don't think the material fits the age group. Like Neil Gaiman's Graveyard Book. One of my favorite authors and an excellent book but I can imagine it is too scary for some kids to handle, especially young kids. I don't believe banning the books is the answer but at least I get why people do it.

But to ban books because people are afraid of the ideas they contain - that I don't get at all. How can we grow unless we're exposed to new ideas and forced to stretch?

One more reason I'm glad I chose to follow my dream of being a librarian! It looks like the real difficulty is going to be narrowing it down to just one book.

ok, that was bizarre

2010-09-19T08:56:00.004-04:00

I was walking the dogs this morning and had just reached the entrance to the Upper Tampa Bay Trail when I noticed a body lying up ahead on the trail. There was a bike lying on the ground nearby so my first thought was that someone had had an accident. As I got closer, I realized that it was 2 bodies, neither of them moving, so by then I was really getting freaked out thinking that they'd been murdered and really dreading what I might see. Luckily about then one of them moved and I finally got close enough to see that it was a couple who had apparently decided that the middle of the bike path was a great place to stop for a nap. They seemed fine...and not at all inclined to get up so I just said "Good Morning" and went on.

People are definitely strange...and I'm glad I didn't have to report a murder this morning!

full-time student: a progress report

2010-09-11T18:24:00.003-04:00

One of the biggest things I have been looking forward to with the new, simpler, stress-free me is having more time. Once I no longer had to commit 10-12 hours of my day getting ready, driving to work, working, rushing through the grocery store, etc., I would have so much time, i wouldn't know what to do with myself. Yes, I would simultaneously be taking a full load of classes but that shouldn't be a problem. I would just substitute working on that during the times when I would normally be in school.

So far, I'm still waiting for that shangri-la to come to fruition! Don't get me wrong - I absolutely love being able to get up when I'm ready (the time has fluctuated between 6am - 9am, depending on how late I was up the night before) and having time to take the dogs for walks and to the park. I am also still playing catch-up to a certain extent for the first few weeks when the beginning of school coincided with my extended family all coming to my place for a reunion that lasted a full 2 weeks for some members. So maybe I am speaking too soon but I've noticed this trend before.

No matter how much time you have, stuff comes along and fills it up.

Eventually (once that "catch up" all happens) maybe I will have everything done by 5 each night and be able to take the dogs to the dog park without the uneasy feeling that there is more work that should really be done today....or maybe I'm devoting too much time to my studies. I'm sure most people are not doing all the reading + taking notes + creating blog entries for each. (From what I can tell, some of them haven't even cracked a book yet!) But one of the main reasons I wanted to do it this way - quit the full-time job, etc - is so that I could really immerse myself fully, sucking every drop of learning I could get out of the experience.

In that respect, the experiment thus far has been a resounding success. I feel like I understand the material fully and it has been absolute heaven to be able to go to the park to do some reading or type a paper while sitting outside at the picnic table. So maybe I'll never be the type of person who can turn off the "should've" script in my head, life is pretty darn good right now.

New Butterfly!

2010-08-15T11:51:00.001-04:00

This Gulf Fritillary held still...but the picture is still blurry!

The insect population in my yard was buzzing this morning with the news that the jasmine bushes are all in bloom, which was a nice surprise since yesterday they were mostly just buds. So I just took some time to enjoy the heavenly smell and observe all the activity going on. It's amazing just how many creatures that I can see with the naked eye are partaking of just one bush. Just while I stood there I saw a lizard, 2 Gulf Fritillary, 1 Giant Swallowtail, 2 new butterflies and 1 very fat bumblebee. And that's just the ones I could actually see! I wish I had the kind of camera that would capture them. Their size and speed, unfortunately, just result in blurry pictures - even when they sit still for me. (The picture at left was taken very early in the am when the butterfly was still sleeping/warming up for the day.)

Online image of a Long-tailed Skipper Butterfly

For a while I kept a journal of the butterflies I saw in my yard but after a bit, I was only ever writing down one name: Gulf Fritillary (I can find them in the yard, it seems, anytime I go out.) I've seen the Eastern Tiger, Zebra and Giant (which I mistook at first for a bird it's so large) and the Florida Sulpher at various times but after identifying those, I kept seeing the same types. So I was excited this morning to spot a new type: a Long-tailed Skipper. I would have thought it was a moth due to the monochromatic wings but after observing it more closely, I realized the body was not fuzzy like a moth and that no self-respecting moth would be so active with the sun blazing down on it. I narrowed it down to one of the skippers based on the shape of it's wings (plus its erratic, "bouncy" flight) and finally identified it after looking at actual pictures online. (The drawings in my guide can be somewhat misleading on wing patterns & actual coloring.)

I still have not been able to lure a White Peacock here and my attempts to attract Monarchs with milkweed plantings have all ended in failure (e.g., plant is destroyed by the caterpillars but the butterflies don't stick around afterwards). Speaking of plant destruction, something is making a go at eating my bouganvillea that I can't find other than the evidence of the huge holes in the leaves. I suspect grasshoppers or maybe snails. On the plus side, the orchid and passion flower both seem to have recovered from their recent bouts of serving as dinner for someone. The orchid is actually blooming again already. Hopefully the bougainvillea is as lucky.

countdown to full-time student: 10 days

2010-08-11T07:32:00.001-04:00

I spent the day yesterday over at USF for orientation (yes, an entire day - from 9 in the morning until 5:30 - let me tell you that that is a *very* long day of a lot of repeated information.) The afternoon session was for the Lib Sci program and it was good to meet the professors and get a better feel for the people I've been emailing & talking to via phone. The student organizations seem to be very active which is also good since I've been worried about too much alone time with so much of the program online. Brown bag lunches every Wednesday and all kinds of things to do scheduled from sporting events to canoeing trips to museums.

As a result of all I learned, I came home and completely reorganized my classes for fall, switching to get another core class under my belt and signing up for one that looks like it will be challenging but very rewarding: Human Rights Librarianship. I just looked through the syllabus and the class requires participating in one of the local human rights groups and submitting a paper to one of the major publications as a large part of the grade. Which is very cool since the work will be done for something real and not just another paper that lives only on my hard drive but also makes me feel a bit intimidated.

It's certainly going to make the first few weeks challenging as there is a lot of reading and interaction required even in the first two weeks and my house will be filled up with 8-9 people (!) but hopefully I can work ahead a bit since she has everything online already.

Only a few more days of work now to go! I can't believe how much I'm looking forward to the start of a new school year ;)

happiness and health and well-being

2010-07-13T16:59:00.001-04:00

I went back to see the holistic doctor on Thursday without much optimism. I debated cancelling the appointment altogether but I was curious to find out the results of the tests he'd ordered (blood work, saliva testing, the works). I assumed the visit would center around the gyn. issues that were behind my initial visit only to discover that everything apparently stems from the way that I handle (or rather mis-handle) stress. Technically this has resulted in Low free-T4/thyroid, low B12 and low progesterone plus cortisol and DHEA levels that were all over the place. The doctor talked through everything but I just couldn't quite take it all in at first. He gave me handouts with information and prescribed several things and sent me on my way.

Over the next few days, I spent time researching and discovered that I have a fairly typical case of adrenal fatigue which is basically what happens when you take a system designed for responses to immediate, life-threatening conditions (e.g., Fire! Large animal attacking me!) and keeping it turned on for months and years on end. As I began to learn more and reflect, I realized that though the recent stresses at work exacerbated things, I have not managed stress well for a very long time.

So I picked up one of the recommended books (The Core Balance Diet by Marcelle Pick and Genevieve Morgan from the Women to Women clinic) and began following the recommended plan for adrenal fatigue by and even in just these few intervening days, I've been absolutely amazed by the results. The food recommendations are more or less basic good health sense – lean proteins with every meal, complex carbs, lots of greens and no sugar, caffeine or processed foods among other things – on a *very* regular basis (every time I even start to think about being hungry, it's time for another meal). But the book is so much more than just a diet plan. Not only do they recommend the meals you should eat but the schedule your day should follow (which includes breaks for tea and “deep breathing”) and there’s a whole section on the mental wellness which includes a strict rule of no multitasking – including (and this is a toughy for me) no eating and doing other things like watching TV, reading, etc. That restriction really made the problems with my current lifestyle so apparent. I could not stop the mental worry list, jumping from one thing to the next and thinking about how I was going to fit in everything I still needed to do that day.

The first full day I felt slightly ill but by Monday, my body started to adapt to the new food and new routine. For the first month, you are supposed to turn off all electronics by 7:00pm and start winding down to prepare your body for the 9:00 bedtime – every night! It seems so impossible to do but it’s actually helped me prioritize and let go of some things. Luc The most amazing part is that it seems to be working! I’ve always been notorious for “never sleeping” and even when I do sleep, it is very lightly with frequent waking but since starting this, I’ve been sleeping 9 hours a night straight through. It’s staggering to realize how closely physical and mental well-being are connected.

We’ll see how things go since I haven’t even completed a full week yet but I'm hopeful that the 6-wk follow up visit will be a completely different story.

responsibility

2010-06-12T08:30:00.001-04:00

He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

I really need to be working on Paper 3 (due Monday...after Paper 2 was due last night - ack!) but had to get out my...annoyance over the drama that went on at work yesterday. It was such a complete fiasco - to the point of being a farce if it weren't for the people being affected by it. Knowing that I am on the way out helps give me some detachment but I am conflicted as to the best way to help. I feel that I have a responsibility to do something, but what?

It really has been ridiculous. First M. has been "training" the new guy, A., for the last few weeks. She apparently decided early on that he was not going to be able to get it, making it obvious from the get go in the way she talked down to him. It bothered everyone in our area because it was just so horrible to have to watch & hear the way she would publicly humiliate him all the time (Great training technique, btw). So that had been building over the last few weeks and then yesterday it all blew up. Apparently she & D. were working to prove to HR that it was not going to work out so they were collecting data every time he didn't get something. Then they apparently staged a set up yesterday which culminated in M. running down the hall screaming that she was going to HR because A. was a liar. Exit M for her weekend mini-vacation. He (A.) then comes back to his desk and proceeds to tell us his side of the story, also getting visibly upset and practically shouting by the end of the story. Apparently emotions run high in the world of writing code.

He sat there a while and then announced that he was going to HR, saying goodbye to everyone. Exit A., apparently for good. It was so absurd all of it and so extremely unprofessional. I think the part that upset me most (on top of really screwing up that guy's life, at least temporarily) was finding out how gleefully M. had viewed her part in it all. She apparently had done the same thing with Joe, recounting to someone else in the office how she had gotten rid of Joe by scouring his code for errors and documenting every little thing. It's so messed up - esp. considering how she always talked him up to me and pretended like it was all out of her control.

I said as much to Joe and he was, of course, not really surprised. I honestly can't believe he held out for as long as he did, considering the way she treated him. He said his primary goal those last few weeks was to avoid doing anything, even by way of a facial expression, that would trigger her b/c she would explode at him at the slightest provocation. At least he did talk to HR in his exit interview. One would hope that eventually the mounting evidence will compel them to do something about this mess because surely this cannot be what they want to have happening.

So why then do they keep letting this kind of thing go on? This is just one example of the kind of unprofessional behavior that seems to run amok there, at least in our department. It's extremely detrimental to everyone's work and I know that several of the newer people have been completely disillusioned by the events of the past few weeks and are already considering other job opportunities. People keep telling me that this is just the way things are in the cut-throat corporate environment but it makes no sense to me. How can that really be more effective than an environment where people are enthusiastic about their work and working together on projects, instead of spending all their time focused on survival.

So back to my dilemma: what can and should I be doing? I was planning, certainly, on saying something at my exit interview but in the meantime it seems as though something should be done now. We have a "focus group" on why employee morale in our area has been declining on Tuesday; however, it will be somewhat difficult to address there as two of the primary problems are part of that group. But then isn't that what we criticize people living under the Third Reich for doing? If I know the problem exists and that the people who have a responsibility to address it may not be aware, isn't it my responsibility to say something -- even if I don't think it will affect anything?

School Days

2010-06-05T23:44:00.000-04:00

I have spent the last two days back in school and it has made it all much more real. The sensations of being on a campus – denuded as it is during the summer term, the buzz of activity, class discussions, and even the hassles of getting my student ID all contributed to the feeling of happiness that pervaded my being. Perhaps I should have pursued a career in teaching college – not because I enjoy teaching but just because I do love school.

Boy has school changed though! I was amazed to find I did not need my laptop at all: every desk (in both the classroom and the library) comes complete with a workstation. I found that I could access everything I have at home including my notes on OneNote. (If only I had known before lugging the 200lb laptop – I swear the thing was adding pounds by the second – around with me on the aforesaid student ID quest!) Online access made it easy to work along with the professor when she explained how to research certain concepts. I am finding it hard to imagine how they taught the class prior to the advent of ubiquitous computing. It is so much easier to learn when you can do it for yourself.

It was nice though to be able to get the in-class experiences of class discussion, making new friends and interacting with the professor. I was a little concerned that the past few years experience would have made me shy to speak up in class but I am, apparently, still as opinionated and vocal as ever.

Taking the Plunge

2010-05-28T20:20:00.000-04:00

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain

I have finally taken the plunge and given notice to my boss. I had a particularly difficult meeting Wednesday (the tortuous two-hour meeting we have *every* Wednesday for reasons no one seems quite able to explain) that ended in an evening of tears and frantic calculating and re-calculating my budget to see if I could survive if I were to give my 2 weeks notice this week. It frustrates me that this person can intimidate me to the point that my mind goes blank.

So my stomach gave a flip when the first thing I saw Thursday morning when I logged in was a one-on-one meeting my boss had set up for the afternoon. I spent the day plotting what I do, ranging from giving notice on the spot to trying to hold out until the end of summer. At first, I thought the latter plan was going to work since he started off by apologizing for not coming to my defense and legitimately wanted to talk through ideas and suggestions. Then we started talking about my goals - the whole where do I see myself here conversation and the ensuing dread I felt made me decide to take the plunge once and for all.

It actually went better than I expected. He seemed genuinely happy for me and even offered to connect me up to a friend of his who works in UNC's library program (which would be such a dream job - esp in the history dept!) I think. Since ideally there would be overlap between me and the next person (or people - since he told me today that he's thinking of restructuring my job into 2-3 jobs!), he also was nice enough to work with HR to make sure that I am guaranteed my job through Aug 20th.

The funniest part is that I already feel differently about the job. I had a meeting involving the Dreaded VP this afternoon and had no problem speaking up. I felt curiously outside of the process, observing his effect on everyone else in the room and suddenly realizing that he's not as smart as he someone manages to convince the rest of us he is. I don't know how he does it but today listening to him without the usual frantic mental dialog of trying to anticipate where he was going to go, I really heard how repetitious and...unimaginative he actually is. Not that this changes my mind about anything but, still, it seemed revelatory somehow.

I still feel like I need to say something to HR about all this but think, in light of the circumstances, it probably makes sense to wait until my end date is closer. It's weird though how much mood affects interaction with others. I feel so much...lighter. I went to the store this afternoon and was amazed at how many people smiled at me, made small talk, etc. Maybe that happens all the time and I don't notice but I swear it had something to do with the relief I am feeling (and probably the huge grin pasted on my face!)

ah, the dreaded syllabus

2010-05-18T00:14:00.000-04:00

What is it about that sheet of paper (or in this case about 10 sheets of paper!) that is so intimidating? I am looking over the course materials for the class I am taking this summer (Basic Information Sources and Services) and discovered that (1) I have an assignment due already next week and (2) it is just as overwhelming as I remember. I know it's just a matter of getting back into the rhythm of school - papers and reading massive amounts of information and scheduling, scheduling, scheduling. Just take a deep breath and take it one step at a time.

OK so looking it over again, it's not so bad. The grading seems to be divided fairly between a series of research projects, a couple of online quizzes, in-class exercises and a paper. I like that my entire grade won't rest on one single thing. And I also like that with this course, I will get a taste of both online learning (which seems to make up a significant part of the degree) and being in class.

Still, I am glad that I have only the one class. The professor has included in the syllabus a warning that the class is "intensive" and will require a commitment of at least 15 hours a week! I think I may need to re-think my somewhat ambitious plans to complete a degree in a year...

It's good to be back!

Reunion Dread

2010-05-05T07:46:00.000-04:00

My best friend growing up has had a concerted campaign ongoing for us to go to our 20-yr high school reunion for years. As the event looms this summer, she has stepped up the campaigning considerably, pulling out all the stops and using every method at her disposal, including that most effective of tools - guilt. (Luckily, I am getting better at ignoring this feeling, thanks to years of guilt therapy from my parents!)

When we last spoke earlier this week, I somewhat half-heartedly said that maybe I would consider going for a little while and since that time, I have been having nightmares and waking up in a cold sweat. It is unreal how anxiety-inducing just the thought of revisiting that time in my life is. I am afraid of revisiting all the awkward and awful memories: all the insecurities of being made fun of for my un-stylish clothing and hair, for talking too much, for not fitting in. From what I have seen via Facebook, I still do not fit in. They all appear to be politically conservative, married and obsessed with the various things their kids are doing. The thoughts of spending an evening making small-talk sounds like torture - and that's even without the aforementioned bad memories.

Maybe going back now that I understand who I am a little better than I did then would be good for me: face down the demons and move on. Right now it sure doesn't feel like it though.

mulberries!

2010-05-05T07:34:00.002-04:00

(This is from Monday night. For some reason, I couldn't get any pictures to upload then.)

Two years ago I planted this tiny mulberry tree, bravely sporting two mulberries and about 5 leaves. That was in the spring of 2008. In the meantime, it grew & grew but I almost forgot that someday it would have fruit until I was mowing the lawn a few weeks ago and noticed hundreds of green fuzzy things that looked like the beginnings of berries. As I was on my way into the house last night after work I thought the I should check up on the. Good thing I did as a good number of them were already ripe and some had already started to fall onto the ground!

I think I must have eaten 100 or so just standing there last night. I forgot how so very good they are. If you've never had one, they are a little similar to blackberries when they are sweet but with a slightly different tang. I cannot believe a tree this size has so many berries though. They cover the tree from top to bottom (even down inches from the ground) and luckily the birds don't seem to have found them as of yet. I'm not sure what I'll do when this tree reaches full size but in the meantime, I'm hoping I will have enough to at least make a pie. Yummy, yummy.

The 20/10 Test

2010-03-25T22:42:00.005-04:00

One of the exercises for "meaning" in Pink's A Whole New Mind is asking yourself the question if I had $20 million and/or 10 years to live, would I continue doing what I am doing today? It's an interesting question. I'd been thinking with the whole cancer scare of how i would change my life if I found out the test was positive - what things I would do differently. Would I move to be closer to family? Would I drop everything and travel around the world? Would I quit my job? Maybe I should keep it for the health insurance? and on and on.

Ten years, though, is long enough that it takes away some of the devil-may-care attitude that creeps in with a shorter time frame. After all, if I ran up a huge credit card bill before I died in 6 mos, would it really matter? But ten years is another story entirely. The stress of racking up huge amounts of debt would certainly outweigh the advantages. I don't think I'll be running off to the ends of the earth anytime soon.

Ten years would be plenty of time to pursue another career. I think I have decided on the Master of Library Science. I am waiting on the arrival of a few books I found on the field and career and I have sent an email off to the MLS program at USF. Then I plan to take the introductory course this summer and perhaps another in the fall to decide for sure before jumping in with both feet.

And I do plan to jump in full-steam. Scary as that feels, the one thing I've always regretted about my experiences at American was that because I was always juggling school with working full-time, I never felt like I got the full school experience. Work was my priority and school was more of a sideline entertainment in many respects as a result. (I often wonder how different my life would've been in that case - I would certainly have been much more connected in with my classmates and more likely to have pursued full-time work in that field, I think.) Instead I can focus on classes and finish much faster. Plus by January, I should have all my extraneous debt paid off except for mortgage (and school which I could defer while in school). I think I can manage mortgage and living expenses with something part-time.

So all of this - actually having an end in sight - and not just an end but an end that I really want - has put me in a much happier frame of mind. Plus I recently moved from my office (I will post that story here soon; life in the trailer is never boring) to one of the cubes - which sounds like a change for the worse but really isn't! The office is small, cramped and somewhat isolated while the cube is wide open with windows that open and lots of light - plus I get so much more interaction with people. It's been so amazing what a difference that change has made - I am actually looking forward to going to work! I feel like myself again and it seems like years since I can remember feeling this way.

old office

new "cube"

It reminds me of a few years ago when Mom & I were talking and realized what a difference low-blood sugar can have on your whole outlook on life. It seems silly that such a small, physical factor like whether you've eaten lately or been sitting in a small, dark office could affect mood to such a big extent but I am convinced that it is truly a factor. It makes me wonder just how many things we think are these epic psychological problems might really just be some mundane thing like whether you're getting enough exercise or the right kind of food.

NOTE TO SELF

2010-03-25T15:12:00.000-04:00

If ever scheduled to be on Court TV, make sure to touch up roots.

I just caught a few minutes of divorce court on in the break room and I couldn't tear my eyes away, mostly because the woman had roots that were about 2" long...but not in a trendy way. Do they not know beforehand that they will be on TV? Even if you didn't know that, wouldn't you want to look good before seeing your soon-to-be-ex anyway? Maybe this was all part of her plan to look pitiful - I didn't stick around long enough to get the story.

Careers

2010-03-21T16:20:00.001-04:00

After (or occasionally instead of) sleep, work occupies the most significant portion of my day. From 9:00 in the morning until 6 or 7 at night, I spend five days out of every seven at work. Not only does it occupy the time I actually spend at work, there is also the time spent commuting back and forth (at minimum another hour per day) plus the "recovery time" necessary each night. The only time I feel is my own is the two precious days each weekend and I have become a miser, jealously guarding each moment of free time, even to the exclusion of time I could be spending with beloved friends and family.

So a while back I began exploring other jobs, thinking that perhaps this was all just the immediate unhappiness caused by the current work environment. But after talking with recruiters and exploring available marketing jobs out there, it has become evident to me that I do not want to work in marketing. Friends have suggested marketing in another sector - such as for a cause I believe in - but despite the fact that my experience fits me for a job in marketing, the thought of spending more time thinking of analyzing markets and figuring out how best to manipulate others into certain behaviors just does not appeal.

Which leaves me back at square one. What do I then want to do with my life? Is there some career that will engage my interest for more than a few years? That will leave me at the end of the day feeling fulfilled? Do I even have the right to expect that from work? Is this just some 21st century quandary without basis? After all, how many thousands of years did people do what their parents did before them with the sole goal of providing food & shelter for themselves and their families?

Last weekend I spent a good deal of time listening to two different lecture series that I had downloaded via audible: one on the anglo-saxon era of English history and the other on fantasy literature. Combined with my recent exploration of the anthropology of religion as well as forays into how the brain works, I came to the realization that the one consistent thing I love most - that I never tire of - is learning. Sometimes I don't even think it matters what - which is how I keep ending up in jobs and careers that seem to have no connection to each other or to my skills. I am forever attracted to learning about something I did not know before. Unfortunately, with most things the drawback is that with most things I feel as though I come to the end of them and want to move on.

I am currently infatuated with the notion of going back to school. History and Literature are the two subjects I find most intriguing but even there, I have trouble imagining confining myself to a specific slice of them to specialize in if I am to make a career from either. Or maybe a degree in library science is the way to go. That would encompass books, learning and literature in addition to my love of organization and looking things up! Not to mention that USF has a good program - most of which is online - so I could try it out without making too drastic of a switch. I really think that might be the right place to start. I could take the initial course this summer and see where it leads.

What to do with all these shoes?

2009-12-02T13:00:00.001-05:00

So this morning I wanted to wear my brown skirt. I absolutely love this skirt but haven't worn it in well over a month because none of my "barefeet" shoes really go. So I thought, I'll wear my sketchers. They are "flat" at least so it shouldn't be bad, right?

It's really the oddest sensation. They have the slightest of heels (about 2 cm) and from the moment I first put them on, I felt as though I were teetering dangerously, unsure of how to take the next step. Now I am getting shooting twinges of pains in the tops of my feet and up my calves every time I walk. No wonder babies are always removing their shoes at every opportunity!

So no more torture shoes for me, no matter how much I want to wear the corresponding outfit. A brief look online has been more frustrating than helpful as every time I come across a pair that looks like it might be OK, I read the description full of talk about "support" that scares me from trying them.

And WHAT am I going to do with this closet full of shoes?

Step 1: Step away from the couch

2009-11-21T20:34:00.001-05:00

I took Roxy out this afternoon for our first "real" run of 2 miles (well, really only about 1-1/2 miles running and the rest walking)! My goal is to run with her in the 5k Dog Run in March, a race for dogs & owners at Fort DeSoto. That gives me 3 months which seems like a reasonable time frame to acclimate fully to running barefoot. Hey, maybe I'll even be ready to run the 10k by then! At least that time of year should hopefully still be somewhat cool.

As for the run today, it went amazingly well. Of course, Roxy never breaks into much more than a trot running alongside me but it does keep her focused (e.g., not chasing cats) and she does seem to be calmer than usual now. It wasn't as difficult as I'd expected for me either. The hardest part is getting over feeling self-conscious that (1) I have no shoes on and (2) I am running in a way that feels so different. Now I feel pleasantly sore when I get up from sitting and the bottoms of my feet feel slightly tender after a couple of pine cone patches but that's it. Of course, I might be singing another tune tomorrow morning but I think I was ready for something slightly longer. And who knows how far I've been running in the mornings with the dogs at the park already? Maybe that 10k isn't so far-fetched after all.

Whoooooo hoooooo. Me? A runner?

Even Sesame Street is into barefoot!

2009-11-20T06:49:00.001-05:00

Even Sesame Street is on board! Just saw this via the Running Barefoot blog.

I've been more or less "traditional shoe"-free for almost 3 weeks now and I must say, it feels fantastic. Already it feels odd and unnatural to wear "regular" shoes. Even the smallest heel feels as though I am standing on a incline. If only I could go barefoot or wear my VFFs (the foot gloves) everywhere! I did cave and get a pair from the Vivo Barefoot line which look more like regular shoes and only has a 3mm sole. (Apparently, they use Kevlar to make the thin soles puncture proof. So if I am ever threatened with an assassin, I can just whip off the shoes to use as shields. It's always handy to have dual-purpose clothing.) Luckily, I've been able to wear the VFFs to work most days which for walking is almost as good. There are advantages to working in a trailer!

The Vivo Barefoot "Odette"

The running part I'm taking much more slowly. After doing a lot more reading on the subject, I am trying to focus on "training" without any shoes at all since the accepted wisdom seems to be even the minimal soles of the alternative footwear doesn't give your feet enough feedback to learn the proper form. I've taken the dogs out for their walks sans footwear a few times. Oddly enough glass and rough pavement are a breeze; my nemesis are ones I remember of old - the sandburs! Land on one of them at just the right angle and OW! Those suckers go in deep!

The park in my neighborhood though seems to be bur-free and so that is my preferred barefoot playground. The dogs and I run and run all over and it is so much fun, I can do 20 minutes of running without even noticing. It's funny how running as an exercise (e.g., in my mind, punishment for overeating, etc) can be so painful and drudgery while running as part of a soccer game is just fun.

I am also listening to Born to Run and hearing stories about the Tarahumara and their sheer enjoyment of running and life is inspiring. After years of believing that only certain people had the bodies to run, it is freeing and encouraging to discover that humans are made to be runners. We can outrun any other species over the long haul because we perspire, allowing us to cool off while we run. Women also seem to have an advantage when it comes to long distances, possibly because of our fat stores! (Ironically, women were not allowed to even compete in the Olympics for the marathon event until 1988 because the general consensus was that women were not physically capable of running long distances. It makes sense though when I think of some of the marathon-like labor stories I've heard. Talk about long distance!) If only the Greeks had known, they could have just sent a woman to warn the people of Athens...

Just thinking about things like this while running, experiencing all the sensations - breeze on my face, the textures of the ground - makes me feel so connected to my body and I can almost understand what ultrarunner Ann Trason means when she describes running as "romantic". Although I'm not heading out for any ultraruns...or even marathons anytime soon, exploring running as fun has opened up a whole new world for me.

Huh

2009-11-16T14:42:00.000-05:00

Article in yesterday's NY Times from Mindy (CEO at HSN).

Boy, I sure wish I worked for this lady...

Networth

2009-11-11T11:16:00.000-05:00

No time to write; just came across this and thought it was funny (and sadly, all too true!)

Going Bare

2009-10-28T17:45:00.004-04:00

I love being barefoot. Maybe it's one of those things about growing up in Florida where cold weather was not an issue but, for me, the first indication that I am relaxed, whether at a friend's home or after coming home from a long day of work, is that the shoes are off. Barefoot is always my preferred state. If I'm driving somewhere, I typically don't even put on shoes until I've arrived at my destination. (This had led to a time or two when I forgot to bring shoes along and I now carry an "emergency" pair in my car.) To me it feels safer, more controlled when I am barefoot (and yes, it is legal to drive barefoot, at least in most states.)

So I was intrigued to come across this article in the New York Times which started me researching the "new" trend for running barefoot. Christopher McDougall published a book called Born to Run a few years ago about a tribe in Mexico who run huge distances wearing basically nothing but a thin strip of rubber on their feet...and suffer few to no injuries in the process. Unlike the case with western runners, where the incidence of injuries actually correlates to the price of the running shoe. (No joke! This article goes into it in more detail.) Yet another thing where we've bought into the idea that more expensive = better.

It is, in a way, a relief. I've started into running on a very small scale but had been intimidated by runners in the office who talked about the need to go to a specialized running store and having your feet tested and measured for shoes ($200+) before you "get serious" about running. And, of course, even once you find those perfect shoes, then you have to replace them every 3 months or so! (Well, every 300-500 miles - ha! I don't think that was such a danger for me.) But that whole industry didn't even start until the 1970s! How did people ever run before then?

Barefoot running makes sense when you think about it. By creating all that support for our feet with the fancy running shoes, we actually do our feet a disservice. Having to negotiate terrain, adjust for impact, and all the things our feet do when barefoot makes them stronger and better able to do all those things. And stronger means less likely to suffer injury. (I should note that everything I read suggests that you go very slowly when adjusting to running barefoot, starting off with walking and gradually moving to short runs to let your body adapt.)

I just can't believe I missed all this before, particularly with all the research I've done the past few years with raw foods & back-to-nature projects! So now I am dying to try out these funny shoes which are supposed to pretty much let you run barefoot while protecting your soles from glass and the like:

(Mom, do you remember the socks with toes I had when I was a kid? Reminds me of those.)

I'll keep you posted but in the meantime, I am excited over the newfound license to go barefoot!

Other articles on the subject:

the golden mean - TMMO check-in

2009-10-26T21:36:00.001-04:00

Well, aside from the major expenses associated with buying a new laptop, I actually spent very little money this month. I spent the majority of my "fun money" the first weekend and decided that I was still going to stick to the budget and cut out any extra expenses the rest of the month to make up for it. As a result, I did pretty much NOTHING social the rest of this month (Admittedly, it wasn't all drudgery since I did enjoy playing with my new toy.) and the lack has been very hard for me!

I don't know how these diehards on the TMMO do it. I've seen very little of Jenn because our primary means of communication was lunch once or twice a week. At first she kept offering to pay which made me feel even worse so I started making up excuses as to why I couldn't go (meetings, etc). Nice, huh? Lying to my friends! Plus eating at my desk every day, while doing wonders for my job performance this month, has been depressing. If only I were a true introvert, maybe I wouldn't even notice these things. Of course, if I were a true introvert, I probably wouldn't have gotten into this mess to begin with!

Even once I hit paycheck #2 for the month, I still stuck with it because once I'm committed to a venture, I can't seem to rein in my spending to less than $40 a pop. I guess it's a pride thing but once I'm there, I feel like a killjoy if I say I can't do something or insist on separate checks. But all this obsessing about money has not been good for the relationships I have; I feel like my soul is becoming small and stingy

Maybe that's the way to become a millionaire but if that is the cost, I don't think I want it.

Don't get me wrong; I really, really want to get rid of this huge debt hanging over me. I hate it and the sooner it is out of my life, the happier I will be. But in the meantime, I don't think it's a good idea to cut myself off from life to this extent just to get out of debt a month or two faster.

So my new goal is to strike a happy medium between this self-imposed asceticism and the free-fall spending of my past. A big part of that for me is to cut it into a more sizeable chunk. When I think about the total amount, it's just so overwhelming - it feels as though I'll be condemned to drudgery for years.

So instead I'm just going to focus on paying off the "little stuff" (car, etc) and excluding the student loan, at least for the moment. The student loan and the house are important but they will get paid off eventually and maybe once I get past the rest, they won't seem so overwhelming. The important thing is to stick to the biggest principle I've learned this last year: spending less than I make each month (still no credit cards!) and to just keep at it. In the meantime, a little more "mad money" and giving myself permission to spend for the right things - like time with friends - is in order,.

So here's the check-in for this month. Despite the lack of social interaction, lunches, etc the total paid off, minus interest payments, etc, is a paltry $238.54 for a grand total of $11,089.10 to date. Which doesn't even budge my percentage on the tracker I'd been using! So just to make me feel better, here it is, new & improved, without the student loan. There now, that looks much more do-able. :)

For all you northerners living in Florida....

2009-10-12T12:52:00.001-04:00

From xkcd.com

New Laptop!

2009-10-11T13:31:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure whether to report this as bad news or good. It is exciting since it's been 6+ years since I've had a new computer (and I am not someone who is usually satisfied with older technology). But on the other hand, it is another serious set back to the old debt payoff. :|

However, it's done now so I am enjoying it. I got an HP Pavilion DV7 which I had actually researched a while ago when I was first thinking about getting a multimedia laptop. That aspect of it is very nice because watching things from online on my tv is as easy as plugging in the HDMI cable. It does all the rest automatically (which is pretty cool). So now I am really not missing having cable at all.

But the biggest thing I love about the laptop is NO MORE WIRES! Here's a picture of my new & improved "desk":

I moved the wireless router & cable modem over to the bookshelf and was able to get rid of SO MUCH STUFF that was taking up space. I thought about keeping the monitor to plug into when I'm in the office but the one on the laptop is actually bigger (and nicer).

(P.S. - Extra points if you can name the dog shown in this picture.)

End of Sept TMMO Check-in

2009-09-29T07:52:00.002-04:00

Ugh. It feels like this is just SO SLOW. Of course, didn't help that I had a trip up to Boston this month that cut in to my "snowball"...plus living without a credit card means that I have to come up with cash for expenses that come up like 80k car maintenance (~$500!), termite warranty, heartworm prevention for the dogs, etc.

On the plus side, when I look back to when I started, I've paid off over $11k so far, I've taken the plunge into selling things (still haven't tackled craigslist yet but I did get some $$ for some books, DVDs and games)...and I've got a much more realistic budget going. I think that has been the hardest part for me so far. I didn't realize how reliant I was on using credit to hold me over until the next paycheck, etc. (The sales I have passed up this month alone!) Even though I usually paid off the balance each month, it feels like I am in more control over my spending now. And I'm actually enjoying the challenge of stretching every dollar.

It's going to be slow-going here for the next few months as I'm trying to build up a little more cushion plus have Christmas with all those hidden costs. I've added categories to my budget for every big expense I can think of that could come up - from vet visits to car maintenance to my sweetwater membership so hopefully once January comes, these big expenses will stop sideswiping me and I can really get going.

i won a camera

2009-09-11T17:31:00.004-04:00

we had a baby shower for ronessa today (who is having twins!) and I won the contest that had us identify the pictures of double/twin things (e.g., Minnesota Twins logo, Double Indemnity,...) and the prize was a cute little point & shoot camera (which I looked up on Amazon and is selling for $299!) just in time for my trip to Boston next weekend!!

Anyway, here are some pics from the office today (we are not getting much work done this afternoon...despite how people are pretending in the pictures):

The whole crew

Shari, here to help you

Kenneth

Keven & Joe don't like having their pictures taken

Revenge...

Audrey turns a blind eye

Margie!

Margie has some big shoes to fill

(she is actually wearing her shoes inside of these ones belonging to Joe)

I am so smart

2009-08-28T16:37:00.003-04:00

So I took a look at Quicken last night and could not for the life of me figure out how that loan would work unless Chase not only waived closing costs but PAID ME an additional $7k. So it was not a huge surprise when I got a message from the processor saying that he'd been wrong; that he couldn't figure out a way to do it for less than $7,000 in closing costs. At least with that, I didn't even have to ponder what to do.

As soon as this market comes back....I am so anxious to be done with these crazy mega banks!

High Finance

2009-08-27T13:46:00.004-04:00

So the refinance is back on. I think. I'm hesitant to say anything for sure at this point since they have been so...inconsistent but I just got a phone call from my processor saying that he'd had to run it through underwriting and had a counteroffer for me - all the closing costs can be rolled into the loan + the total loan amount will be $1,500 less than before (which also makes my monthly payment about $50 lower). According to what he told me today, I will only have to bring about $150 "to the table". Huh?

I'm not sure whether they miscalculated before or if they just decided it makes more sense to lower the costs in order to keep me with them. But since it costs me nothing to keep going at this point (other than the inconvenience of getting another appraisal done), I told him to keep going. So stay tuned, I guess.

Best Profile Pic

2009-08-22T14:29:00.002-04:00

OK, long overdue in updating profile pic. Finally took a slew of pictures after haircut today (hurrah!).

What's your vote for which to use on facebook, etc?

OR

OR

I, of course, have issues with all of them but trust me, these are the best ones of the bunch...

or maybe i should just get kristi to take some tonight that AREN'T so close up!!

Happy Anniversary!

2009-08-20T11:17:00.007-04:00

Since my (probably by this time) solitary reader is hinting that I have been remiss in posting to this of late and since that reader is also celebrating the 43rd anniversary of her marriage to my father, I decided I would create ANOTHER post in the span of less than 24 hrs(!) to assuage her and also commemorate the event.

So....

Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad!

Makeover Progress

2009-08-19T14:53:00.003-04:00

Here's my current status on the TMMO (Total Money Makeover). The teeny percentage that still runs into the zero is a bit discouraging but I've called off the re-fi so I'm looking forward to starting in really hardcore on this now. I'm thinking it will be good to go by percentage markers since the student loan makes up 70% of the total and all the "easy wins" are going to be loaded up here in the next few months (I hope!) Boy, do I wish I could go back in time and not get those things to begin with. I swear they never seem to decrease!

I'd decided to reward myself at each payoff so i might need to add in rewards at the 50% and 75% markers too, just to keep myself going...

Easter Break

2009-04-13T07:01:00.003-04:00

Made a quick trip over to West Palm for Easter weekend. Here are some "highlights":

Saturday morning, Roxy ate about 6 lbs of chicken all at once and then walked around looking sick, making me think she had bloat.
Dad & I took the dogs for a long walk around the neighborhood.
Went down to where Tina & family (mom: Dora, sister: Norma, daughters: Kathryn & Aryn) were staying in Boca with Norma's son, Eric & his new wife Martine. The plan was to all go out boating. Major drama the evening before ended up with both Eric & Martine storming out (they were fighting with each other), leaving the rest stuck without transportation, house keys or even computer access! Change of plans!
Tina, Kathryn and I ended up going down to Las Olas in Ft. Lauderdale. Went to lunch, and did one of those boat cruises around "millionaire row" since the other boating was out. (By the end, I mostly just felt sorry for the millionaires. All these beautiful properties with luxury pools, etc right on the water - and tourists floating by with loudspeakers detailing how much they'd paid for the house and all the scandals attached to their family 3x a day.)
Colored lots of Easter eggs with mom, dad & Gail Saturday evening to take to church for the brunch they were having.
Forgot to take the Easter eggs to church; Roxy & Romeo had their very own Easter Egg hunt while we were gone.
Had delicious Easter lunch, courtesy of Boston Market catering. Original idea was to avoid making a big meal. Somehow coordinating all the elements of heating the ham (90 minutes!) and transferring the sides to their appropriate dishes and then coordinating the timing...it was not as easy as advertised. Still it was very tasty.
Happened to mention to Mom that I was looking at buying a bike and discovered that Chris rehabs bikes! Went with Dad to look at them & ended up getting a beautiful 1960s one, complete with bell & speedometer! He is still fixing it up so Mom & Dad are bringing it over in a few weeks. Cannot wait!

"Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants." - Michael Pollan

2009-04-04T21:27:00.009-04:00

Well, my 30-day raw experiment is officially over and I thought I'd write a bit what I learned.

Aside from day 4, eating only raw food makes me feel amazingly good.
I felt full with about 500 fewer calories a day than I would normally eat.
I am still not sure whether the above is due to the fact that the food is all raw (and the whole enzyme theory of digestion, etc) or just that eating only raw food forces one to eat whole foods. (Unlike vegetarian diets, there is not much - any? - raw junk food.)
There are people out there on the raw diet who take it to scary & extreme measures. Thankfully, these are not the only raw foodies out there.
I did not miss dairy products as I thought I would.
I learned that my body adjusted quite quickly...and was quite clear that it did not take kindly to suddenly going back to heavy or fried foods.
On the occasions when I would cheat, I found that the food I thought I was craving - things like pasta - did not taste as good as I thought they would.
I *really* missed sweetened iced tea from Tijuana Flats. Drinking water there was *not* the same.
It is impossible to stick to just eat raw without LOTS of planning & preparation. If I forgot to chop up veggies or stop at the grocery store one day, it would throw things completely off since there's nothing in the vending machine or even at the cafeteria at work to eat. (Seriously! Pre-made salads - all with cooked chicken - and orange juice were my only options!)
It is impossible to eat a raw diet on a business trip to Birmingham, AL. (The restaurants we were taken to there did not seem to be familiar with the concept of *raw* vegetables. Fried, sauteed - yes. One person actually told me that eating raw vegetables was dangerous due to all the bacteria.)
It is hard to socialize with friends, family & co-workers and eat only raw food. I felt very difficult and found myself spending whole meals trying to explain the concept. The other alternative was to just eat "normally" (or as the raw foodists call it the Standard American Diet - aka "SAD") and suffer the inevitable consequences. (see #6)
I really like the green smoothies that the raw foodists all rave about but I thought sounded a bit disgusting when I first heard of them. I avoided them for the first week and finally gave in and tried one. Even things I thought would taste nasty in a fruit smoothie (greens, etc) only neutralize the sweetness a bit. Smoothies of just greens are amazingly refreshing (and a good antidote to heavy food lapses).
A lot of people told me that eating raw could not be healthy since there are limited sources of protein (pretty much raw nuts, sprouted beans and possibly sashimi). However, I found that I didn't seem to have problems I would normally associate with insufficient protein. My energy level seemed to stay constant (I expected to have more ups & downs due to all the sugars in the fruits) and when I gave blood about 2 wks in, my iron was higher than it normally is.
My cholesterol level was about 50 pts lower than my average.
I did *not* drastically drop pounds but noticed that my face was thinner and clothes fit better.
I like oatmeal better raw. I soak it overnight in the fridge and eat it cold with lots of sliced berries or honey. Really quite good.
I have become much more conscious of just how processed everything is! I knew this before - intellectually - but spending so much time scouring menus for *something* I could eat made me realize just how pervasive un-food is!
I learned to differentiate a bit between what my body is craving and what my mind is craving (usually connected to associations rather than actual needs).
I discovered that physically it's not difficult at all and makes me feel really good to eat 100% raw.
It costs too much for me to do full-time in terms of stress (finding time to do all the preparation involved) and guilt, particularly when hanging out with friends (either for being "that person" or for not sticking to my diet).

I would like to try to go completely raw again sometime and stick to it 100% for a full 30 days just to see if you really reach the nirvana of weight loss, clear thinking and muscle definition claimed by the hard-core raw foodists but for now, I plan to return to being "flexitarian" and simply try to get 70-80% of my calories from raw food.

U2 in Boston!

2009-03-25T18:09:00.005-04:00

Just found out that we got tix to see U2 in Boston in September! Pauline & I are going up to stay with Amy in Southie, no less. All Irish weekend, can't wait!

More good news - day 3 with Romeo out during the day with no problems! Good week so far.

2009-03-20T19:03:00.007-04:00

I am feeling overwhelmed right about now. Came home to find that Romeo had done his best to escape from the bathroom as well. Bathroom floor & walls peppered with black dog hair and paint chips and pools of water everywhere. Door and door jamb all scratched up. It looks as though he becomes frenzied and was throwing himself around. What am I going to do with this dog?

To add to all of this, I took them to the new dog park thinking to at least give them some real play time before going out to dinner with Lantie. Fine for a while but then this annoying little dog started barking like mad at Roxy and would not stop. She finally got fed up and got into a little tiff with him. So I pulled her off, no damage done and took her outside the park to "cool off" for a bit. I returned to the big dog park just as two girls walked up with their dog. They were following us in but of course the annoying barking dog was right on top of us and squeezed his way out in between us. The owner starts yelling at me because his stupid dog has escaped. (Not far, he managed to catch the dog about 2' outside the gate.) It is a stupid set up for a dog park. Every other one I've ever been to has a staging area of sorts where you put on/take off leashes and generally just prevents that same scenario from happening but still, he was very rude - which I guess I should've expected after the rude behavior from his dog!

I promptly left the park and on the way home started crying. I know it's most likely just a cumulative reaction to the sleepless week, time stresses, worrying about Romeo, etc but still, it made me even more angry with myself that I let that stupid jerk's behavior get to me like that.

So now I have no idea what to do tonight with Romeo. Should I call & cancel? I would feel like a torturer leaving him in the bathroom again (not to mention the further damage to the door). I guess it'll have to be the crate since at least he only seems to scratch his nose there. Hopefully I won't be gone long enough to cause a problem tonight.

"Weekends are like rainbows. They look good from a distance but disappear once you get close to them." - John Shirley

2009-03-20T13:42:00.006-04:00

Only a few hours (or 2 meetings, depending on how you look at it) to go until the weekend begins! Tonight I am meeting up with Lantie (my best friend from school days) who is over in St. Pete for a medical conference. I'm a little stressed contemplating the logistics (ok, if i leave work at 5:30, get home around 6:30, walk dogs, then drive back over to St Pete - what time do I say we should meet up for dinner? Is 7:30 wishful thinking? 8:00 is more realistic but seems too late to suggest. Should I try to leave work early to make it? and so on) but I am really looking forward to seeing her. It's been a long time since we've had a chance to do more than make small talk and I am looking forward to real soul-to-soul conversations.

The rest of the weekend isn't looking quite so exciting. Major cleaning is on the agenda since it looks like I will have company visiting for the next 3 weekends after that (!). The northerners must be getting to that "fed up with winter" time of year since they are all calling with Florida plans!

Dog Days

2009-03-19T10:49:00.004-04:00

It has been one of those weeks. Not sleeping well (if at all) the last couple nights - maybe worrying about what to do with Romeo who seems to have developed full-on separation anxiety somewhere along the way. After paying $27 to the Hillsborough County Library for a book I didn't really enjoy anyway and losing several items of clothing along the way (random socks, a sandal), I started keeping him confined to the bedroom, making sure to do a sweep to remove anything that seemed to be even remotely chewable. This seemed to work for a few weeks until the day I came home to find my bedskirt & mattress cover in shreds (luckily the mattress itself was spared). So on the advice of numerous books & Kathy (the trainer I take them too), I broke down and purchased a crate.

They technically have a crate already and I *know* that dogs do not feel the same about crates as I do/would...but it's one thing, in my mind, to have a safe space available for them to hide and another altogether to confine a dog for multiple hours - especially given the typical length of my work days. But Kathy assured me that this is temporary and once he believes that this is his home (she says it usually takes a year before they fully regain their confidence), I should be able to dispense with the crate altogether. So I purchased an extra-large one wire one, supposedly indestructible, even for GSDs, and began crating him. For a while, all went well. He likes the crate and even goes in there at other times to chill out or gnaw on bones.

Then last week, there were several harbingers: first i noticed the water bottle dislodged from the holder two days and then came home last Thursday to find the bed in the crate all torn up. (I have noticed that he is worse on Mondays & Thursdays so am wondering if his fears are connected to the garbage truck?)

Then this week, Romeo discovered a way to break out of the indestructible crate entirely. I am assuming that either the GSDs cited in the reviews were older, calmer dogs or that they had only tried to chew through the crate. At first I couldn't even figure out how he was getting out because to all appearances, the doors are all closed and the crate appears intact. Then I realized that he is maneuvering it so that the elaborate hooks, etc are detached until he gets a corner worked loose that he can squeeze through. Genius.

So far this has been the extent of his endeavors, and aside from a very scratched up nose on his part, there haven't been any casualties but I fear the day that he adds back the random destruction of household objects to his routine.

Today I tried reinforcing the crate joins with picture frame wire. We'll see how Houdini does with that one!

GRRLZ RULE!!

2008-12-22T10:37:00.007-05:00

My final score from the final championship game for the HSN CRM Fantasy Football league! I'd like to point out that the two people who were vying for 1 & 2 are both GIRLS...who were originally *NOT* invited to play in aforesaid league (and now I guess we know why ). Whooooo Hoooo!!!

Roxy & Romeo

2008-12-09T07:23:00.004-05:00

Well, the honeymoon ended somewhere about midday on Sunday, about the time that Roxy realized, I think, that Romeo was here "for good" and not just a playmate over for a visit. She spent most of the time since then studiously ignoring him with occasional tiffs anytime I returned to the house. I don't think we're out of the woods yet but they did play together well this morning which I thought was a good sign.

yes...i am certifiable

2008-12-06T22:14:00.004-05:00

So I'd been thinking of getting a 2nd dog for quite some time (years, in fact, since Shadow always seemed to miss her "buddies" from across the hall after we moved to FL -- but by that point, I thought she'd have a tough time adjusting. In any respect, I'd talked to Kathy about it and so on Monday, I got an email forwarded from a friend of years about a young german shepherd male in need of a home. It took all of about 5 minutes in reality to decide although I decided I needed to wait on the potential layoff before making any kind of permanent move. So I called Kathy's friend this morning (she was fostering the dog at her place), took Roxy down to meet him this afternoon and brought him home with us!

So far, the dogs are getting along great! The only drawback is that his name is Rocky which I think is just waaay too close to Roxy for them to differentiate so I'm planning to name him something else...but what? Before I saw him, I'd wanted Apollo or maybe Romeo. I'd almost like to do Cyrano to go along with Roxy but not sure how that shortens up. It certainly fits so far. It's pretty comical - Roxy follows me everywhere and he follows her. As for personality, he is so laid back that to compare the 2 is like night & day. I'm hoping that he'll help calm her down - at least should help her separation anxiety a bit. Maybe I'll stick with Romeo after all.

Anyway, here he is:

And here's a shot of the two of them (soon I'll get one of them really playing - it's so fun to watch!):

dodging bullets

2008-12-05T14:01:00.010-05:00

Well, the layoff rumor was true. Thankfully, our dept did everything first thing this morning so we had the postmortem meeting fairly early. (My group gets 2 more programs to manage - joy!) We lost 3 people + 2 open positions. Total for the company: 106. Now I feel relieved...and guilty to feel relieved... Pounding headache hasn't gone away yet but some of the knots in my stomach have loosened a bit.

i hate to wait

2008-12-04T20:00:00.004-05:00

Even when it's not something all that great! Rumor is that tomorrow is the big day - layoffs. Ugh. In some ways, I almost wish it *would* just happen since then at least it would be done. Of course, then, it would mean looking for something new which would mean a whole new set of stresses... So 'til tomorrow for the update on that.

In the meantime, here's the hat I made for James. I think it turned out much better knitting in the round rather than the way I did Lilly's. Thinking of going back & doing that one over...especially now that I found a pattern I like. Hopefully it's not too big for him!

*

2008-11-25T21:16:00.009-05:00

fountains at the Bellagio & Paris in background

Latest Project
Knitting caps (and if I can manage them, mittens) for the kids for xmas! Thought the first one turned out pretty well and it was easy & quick (only 2 evenings to make)
Roxy Update
She's settling in quite nicely -- It's hard to believe she hasn't always been here. And we've (finally) gotten into a routine that works for both of us: playtime for about 1/2 hr at a nearby park in the morning and then a long walk at night. Unfortunately, the dog park has been deserted (and creepy) at night since the time change so for the moment that is a treat reserved for weekends only. I'm planning to get her into agility with the next course opening. I think she'll really enjoy it - she really seems to love what we've done so far with Kathy and it's just so FUN to see how happy and proud of herself she is after she's figured out the tunnel or balance beam. I wish I had pictures of that but until then, this is her, hoping I'll get around to throwing the ball someday:

and a rare sleepy moment:

Vegas Trip
It was brought to my attention (thanks, Mom) that I have neglected to post regarding some things of significance that have occurred of late, namely . (I always used to find this was true for personal journals, as well - when things are going on, I don't have time and when they aren't, there's not much interesting to write about!) So here are some pictures from my recent trip with the girls to Vegas:

Becky, Tina & me

Amy & Tina

King

Finally, I have to show this funny dog that invariably meets Roxy & I are our evening walks. (There seem to be quite a few people in my neighborhood that firmly believe dogs should be allowed to roam free!) He's part German Shepherd which you can see in his face & long body but the rest is up for grabs. I couldn't get a good picture (holding a camera phone and a leash while 2 dogs are trying to play is...difficult! Unfortunately, the only time they stand still is when they're going through the sniffing ritual) but you can kind of get the gist.

*I am taking a page from Kristi's book and renouncing titles. I always end up wasting time trying to think up of clever ones (which aren't!)

2008-11-25T13:12:00.016-05:00

With all the uncertainties going on these days, I've been feeling unsettled (to say the least!) about my financial future. I've been doing OK at my plan to be wiser about spending, following a budget, etc but what with the looming specter of layoffs in combination with the dismal markets (both stock & housing), it seems like every time I look at my overall net worth, I'm worse off than I was before! This has been nagging at me for some time, making me feel guilty every time I've spent money (and certainly not helped by a long-awaited trip with girlfriends to Las Vegas at the end of October!) Last night I finally decided to look at where I am, re-group and come up with a PLAN. (I am more addicted to 5-yr plans than any Soviet bureaucrat and about as successful :P)

First step was to look around online for ideas & advice. Came across an interesting book called The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. Nothing earth-shattering about his guidelines (and from some of the excerpts I saw, the writing style seems a little annoying) but joy of all joys, he has my other favorite thing: a LIST. (Like plans, I find "to-do" lists irresistible.) Here they are, in the order he espouses:

(1) Establish a starter $1k emergency fund
A couple of years ago, I set up an automatic investment into a couple of mutual funds so *technically* this could be considered done - although I am reluctant to even try to tap into it right now since it's worth only about 1/2 of the initial investment. I think I may just start from scratch and keep my fingers crossed that the market recovers at some point. I did cancel the automatic investment for both and set up a savings account with SmartyPig both to retain the "automatic" and "not easily raided" features which prevented me from using the money elsewhere! Plus, they have this cool feature where you can make your goal public so you can see how I'm doing.

Of course, the trickiest part of this first step for me is that you have to use cash only (or debit card - money must be available before it can be spent). I am good at this 95% of the time -- EXCEPT that I always feel like I need to carry around a credit card "for emergencies"...and then have non-emergency emergencies all the time. It's particularly hard for me to turn down lunch out at work or good deals. For the lunch thing, I think I just need to find non-spending alternatives to getting off campus and taking a social break from working. This is not particularly easy since all my friends go out for lunch every day...temptation is always around!

(2) Pay off all debts, excluding mortgage.
Ramsey recommends starting with your lowest balance debt first for the psychological benefit of seeing faster results, then add the money to the next one on your list. He also recommends using every available extra penny - to the extreme of not even spending money on retirement - nothing - until debts are completely gone. As you complete each step, the idea is to take the money you were allocating to that goal and apply it to the next to really accelerate your progress.

(3) Save 3-6 mos income for a real emergency fund.

(4) Invest 15% of your income for retirement.

(5) Save for college - hey! an easy one! :)

(6) Pay off mortgage

(7) Build wealth

There you go. Nothing too novel or complicated but like I said, it somehow seems easier to think of as a to-do list than my other approach of trying to just "be better" without any clear plan. Of course, the most difficult part of this will be starting this NOW just before the holidays (notoriously my worst time of year for spending $$). Kind of like starting a diet just before Thanksgiving. Oh well. Wish me luck!

fantastic feats

2008-09-21T14:19:00.010-04:00

OK, first off - here's a picture of Roxy & me, as requested by my mother. Let me tell you that I now realize why I don't have any pictures of Shadow & I from when she was younger. Getting an easily-distracted dog to sit for a picture is one thing...trying to do a self-picture (and also use the ball as bait - yes, that's the ball she's looking at so adoringly, not me!)...well, I considered myself lucky to have us both even *in* the shot.

Other accomplishments for the weekend include:

Converted my pc back to windows ~ Much as I hate admitting defeat, I must admit it's a relief to have everything *work* again without downloading random things and researching just about every tiny change. Luckily converting back was not as difficult as the switch over - and (now that it's over), I'm glad to know a little more about how linux works and open source software.

Had a guest over ~I've started socializing Roxy a bit. Had success with visiting Becky the other week so on Friday Kristi graciously came over to see how Roxy did with visitors to the house. I had no idea how she would react so I scrupulously followed the advice from Patricia McConnell (an animal behaviorist who has written a number of *excellent* books on dog training). Seemed to work really well and by the end Roxy was snuggling up on the couch as we watched a movie.

Avoided a bobcat encounter ~ Walking with Roxy at the Upper Tampa Bay Park on one of the nature trails (ironically, not the "bobcat trail" which is another option there), I first smelled the distinctive odor of cat marking which I thought at the time was odd so far away from houses. Then about 50 yards further down the path, we rounded a bend and something growled at us. (It sounded like "bobcat growl 5" if you want to hear it.) Funnily enough, Roxy didn't pay any attention but it made my neck prickle so I quickly turned around back the way we came. It continued to growl until we were quite some distance back. I still couldn't quite believe it but then later came across one of the rangers who said there are actually 3 of them that they see back in that area and that most likely the cat was just warning us away from a fresh kill. That park never fails to amaze me -- so amazingly wild and yet right off busy Hillsborough Ave.

better than wii fit

2008-09-07T10:04:00.005-04:00

Aside from the expected benefits of getting a dog (companionship, etc), the introduction of Roxy into my life is doing wonders for my fitness level as well. Since we're still in the "getting-to-know-each-other" phase and I'm not sure how she will behave around other people or dogs, I haven't taken her to a dog park for the best exercise around - playing with other dogs. So we have been walking & walking & walking (and walking & walking...). At least an hour in the morning and around 2 hrs at night seems to do the trick. Side benefits include exploring all the area parks & the Upper Tampa Bay Trail, as well as my own neighborhood and I've had the best sleep I've had in years I think.

Here she is after this morning's walk. This was *supposed* to be a picture, btw, of her passed out next to me on the floor but of course as soon as I moved, she was up & ready to go some more!

Roxy

2008-09-01T18:29:00.003-04:00

This is Roxy, a German Shepherd rescue, who I picked up from a kennel down in Ft. Myers today. She's about 4 yrs old and has had a confusing few weeks of it lately. Her previous owner returned to England and left her with some co-workers who eventually turned her over to the Tampa GSD Rescue group. So far everything has gone swimmingly. This is a dog who *really* loves to play ball and play with the water hose (thanks to a tip from her foster mom on that one...I don't think I've ever laughed so hard!) and she is so very loving.

2008-08-27T23:09:00.006-04:00

I had trouble sleeping last night...mostly because I am more than a little excited about the prospect of *maybe* getting a new dog soon. Aside from the expected emptiness of missing Shadow, it's just been really odd not having a dog in the house. For a while I thought that maybe it was better to just get used to it this way; to take advantage of the opportunity of more free time, free cash, etc. But I think that it's had almost the opposite effect.

Yes, I am free to go straight from work to hang out with friends and that has been very nice. And it's not so much hassle to contemplate traveling when it doesn't involve kennels and accommodations. But on the other hand, I miss that companionship and the excuse to go for hikes and to parks and to make daytrips. I realize all of this can be done sans dog...but a dog along makes it more somehow.

Plus, to be honest, I miss the sense of security having a dog brings. Just a few minutes ago (around 10:30), a guy from TECO knocked on my door because of some power issue going on in the neighborhood. (This is the result of Verizon digging the block up for FIOS installation...leaving me with a bunch of dirt in my front yard & some sad little strips of sod that they put in.) I'm so used to having a dog barking or otherwise obviously in attendance that at first I didn't think much of it....but then freaked myself out a bit. It turned out to be completely fine...but made me realize again how much I miss a dog around!

So now I am seriously contemplating a German Shepherd rescue and weighing the pros [dogs tend to be a little older, housebroken and even trained] vs. the cons [they tend to come with some kind of baggage related to their previous lives or recent abandonment]. I've been see-sawing back & forth on this for the past few days, particularly now that there is a real possibility looming. (I'm planning to look at one on my way back from West Palm on Monday...but I can't think too much about it or then I *really* won't be sleeping tonight!)

arts & craftiness

2008-08-21T07:49:00.006-04:00

Taking a break from the throw for a bit. I'm about halfway on it and to the point where I feel like I could do the pattern in my sleep...and when I was getting more yarn for that, I found this yarn that I really loved. At first I intended to work it into the throw but although the yarns go nicely, after working up a square, it looked...strange. Coincidentally, my friend Kristi recently sent me a cool pattern so it seemed fated that i should try it out.

The scarf I'm making only vaguely resembles the one shown in the pattern, probably because I am using both the wrong weight of yarn and the wrong size needle AND I'm pretty sure I'm not doing one of the stitches correctly but it is a fun pattern to work. The biggest challenge is keeping track of the stitches so that the rows line up. I've had to rip out rows at a time several times already just to keep on track.

2008-06-14T12:20:00.008-04:00

The past few weeks I've been struggling with a very hard decision. Shadow will be turning 13 on Monday. She's had arthritis in varying degrees for the last several years so this is not unexpected...but no matter how much I think I'm prepared for something like this, I am most decidedly NOT. It all started when she went to the groomers a few weeks ago and they couldn't finish because she was having too much trouble standing up. So I took her to the vet & got her started on an etogesic program to help alleviate some of the pain. The worst part has been that in every other aspect, she has not changed a bit - she still wants the frisbee thrown at every opportunity, she struggles to come out to greet me every night when I get home - which has made it that much harder to come to this decision.

At first the etogesic seemed to be helping a bit but I am wondering now if it has not made things worse. Most likely the pain was keeping her from doing too much. The last few days she seems to have been deteriorating rapidly in terms of her ability to walk and since last night, she doesn't seem to be able to put weight onto her hind legs at all. She still insists on moving around - following me from room to room but it is heart-wrenching to watch as she ends up crawling & dragging herself around. I have found a vet that makes housecalls so that she can go without the stress of a vet visit.

so very hard to say goodbye

2008-06-14T12:20:00.007-04:00

2 down...38 to go!

2008-06-07T21:57:00.006-04:00

I've started a new project - a throw to replace the current, fast-unravelling one. I am most excited to be working on something that I will actually be keeping. I've realized that up to this point, I have made 8 blankets, 3 scarves and various other assorted things and not even a picture to show for it!
Since it's for the living room, I thought the navy would make a nice complement to the sofa (although with the small hook required, I am wishing that I had a slightly lighter yarn just to be able to see the stitches a little easier, particularly on those first few rounds). I chose this pattern because I like the "lacy" look...and the pineapples always remind me of my grandmother's afghans. (I'm not sure if she liked that pattern best or not, but we certainly had quite a few afghans growing up in that pattern.)

Speaking of pineapples, I think this last one that I planted may actually be "taking"!! It was hard to tell at first as the lower leaves dried up but I noticed today that there are new leaves growing up from the middle. Hurrah!

garden update

2008-05-26T01:11:00.008-04:00

I know I've been quite remiss in updating this blog lately, what with a couple of more-than-usually stressful weeks at work but thought you'd like an update on the garden. For the most part, I am trying desperately to keep everything hanging on until we eventually (hopefully!) get some real rain! In the meantime, there are some notable exceptions.

For one, the bougainvillea seems to be thriving. I read recently that cilantro will flower & go to seed when water is scarce as a survival tactic. Makes me wonder if bougainvillea is the same? For whatever reason, it is absolutely breathtaking...
The other notable exception is the rain garden area. Not sure whether it's the result of the rainwater collection (doubtful since i've had only 2 rains in the last 2 mos. yes, that's right. 2x since the 4/6 posting...and none of them real Florida rain...just that teasing kind they have up north where you are *told* that it's raining but can walk out to your car only feeling 1 or 2 drops. Hardly worth even having a rain gutter!) or whether the plants are just better suited. Whatever it is, I need to find the secret and somehow spread it to the rest of the yard. It amazes me with its rich lushness, esp. when compared to the sandy, patchy, dried up grass next to it.

raw

2008-04-29T06:33:00.012-04:00

[Warning: This post is not for the squeamish!]

So my latest venture into the world of the non-traditional (that is actually most traditional!) is something called raw feeding. I was somewhat primed for this by the last book I read (Omnivore's Dilemma) and its talk of species-appropriate diets (although it was referring to cows & chickens!). I had read or maybe just heard about the concept prior to that but between Shadow's almost incessant licking lately and the aforementioned book, I thought I'd do some investigation. Turns out to be quite a....robust topic of conversation online with several camps (of course) as to the *real* proper diet for dogs, ranging from the "food science" of kibble to the "prey model" (basically, feeding dogs diets similar to those of their closest wild relative, the gray wolf. Thankfully this does NOT involve having the dog actually kill the prey.)

The realization that Shadow's previous diet was the most processed food in my house, with an ingredient list to match (Chicken By-Product Meal (natural source of Chondroitin Sulfate and Glucosamine), Corn Meal, Ground Whole Grain Sorghum, Ground Whole Grain Barley, Chicken, Natural Chicken Flavor, Dried Beet Pulp (sugar removed), Chicken Fat (preserved with mixed Tocopherols, a source of Vitamin E), Fish Meal, Dried Egg Product, Brewers Dried Yeast, Potassium Chloride, Calcium Carbonate, Salt, Vitamins [Vitamin E Supplement, Beta-Carotene, Ascorbic Acid, Vitamin A Acetate, Calcium Pantothenate, Biotin, Vitamin B12 Supplement, Thiamine Mononitrate (source of Vitamin B1), Niacin, Riboflavin Supplement (source of Vitamin B2), Inositol, Pyridoxine Hydrochloride (source of Vitamin B6), Vitamin D3 Supplement, Folic Acid], Sodium Hexametaphosphate, Fructooligosaccharides, Fish Oil (preserved with mixed Tocopherols, a source of Vitamin E), Choline Chloride, Flax Meal, Minerals [Ferrous Sulfate, Zinc Oxide, Manganese Sulfate, Copper Sulfate, Manganous Oxide, Potassium Iodide, Cobalt Carbonate], Dried Chicken Cartilage (natural source of Chondroitin Sulfate and Glucosamine), DL-Methionine, Marigold, L-Carnitine, Rosemary Extract), helped solidify my decision. So I've started her off on whole chickens (by feeding the whole bird, you ensure the right dietary mix of meat, bone & organ meat) and plan to start working in fish 1x/wk and other meats. Thankfully Costco sells organic chickens for about $1/lb so it doesn't make that big of an impact on my diet...or my conscience...although eventually I'd like to get a deep freeze to be able to get more "ethical" meat by buying in bulk.

Here's a clip of her chowing down. I was pleasantly surprised to find that she confines herself to the towel and is for the most part, very clean about it. It's only been about a week but already I've noticed that her teeth are sparkling, she no longer has "doggie" breath, AND she's stopped licking herself (which makes me feel horrible since in all likelihood she's been allergic to something in the kibble all along).

For more on raw feeding, there are a couple of websites that seem to be most prominent:
http://rawfed.com/myths/index.html
http://www.rawlearning.com/
http://pets.groups.yahoo.com/group/rawfeeding/

ethical eating

2008-04-28T19:28:00.006-04:00

A friend of mine jokes every time we go to a place like Chipotle where they advertise that their meat was raised humanely: "Yeah, right up until they kill it." I've been thinking about this concept quite a bit lately as I've been reading Michael Pollan's The Omnivore's Dilemma. In it he goes through 4 different food paths: (1) the predominant highly-processed & circuitous path that most food travels nowadays from the corn field to our stomachs, (2) commercialized organic, as represented by Whole Foods, etc, (3) local & more true-to-the-original-intent organic and finally (4) hunted/gathered.

Can't say there were any shocking revelations (having been friends with Audrey for well over a year now!), but it was difficult to get through the first section and its detailed descriptions of the unnatural living conditions (torture, really) that CAFO animals are put through. What is most infuriating is how industrialized agriculture has made food like this seem "normal" while cows & chickens raised in pastures are suddenly "organic" and have to be sought out with great difficulty & expense. I do wish that I had the resources (and personal...fortitude) to undertake creating something similar to the "grass farm" that Pollan describes up on the land in PA. Would be so ideal had I the wherewithal, both monetarily & mentally.

2008-04-22T13:49:00.006-04:00

Just received this email from a friend from watermark and though I don't have time to really interact with it now I wanted to get it up here because it struck such a chord with me, not so much because it answered all (or even any) of my questions but just because of the tone of acceptance and understanding it contained. So here it is:

You know I hate it when religion becomes a burden to a person's faith. I have always considered not having been raised in a fundamentalist home a blessing, especially the more I understand the damage caused by toxic faith.[...]I do understand your crisis of faith. I have had people suggest that the best thing to do when facing such a dilemma is to take a vacation from church. Try not to feel judged, because I know your history in the C&MA and the long ties to the traditions of your family and denomination will probably dog you.

I don't think you're alone in your struggles either. I think the revolution taking place is a reflection of people with similar struggles and thoughts. Jesus was a Jew, He wasn't protestant or catholic and I have had those thoughts for years, since seminary in 1980. I at one point considered returning to catholicism. Let me just say, I love Jesus but hate what we have made of Him and the church. I don't have doubts about Him but for me my crisis was and is how can I reconcile the simple message of Jesus with the screwed up denominational rantings of fundamentalism and evangelicalism.

I have two people in my house church who won't call themselves Christians. I can't go that far, but I do understand their struggles. I asked one of them "would you follow Jesus if he walked in here now" and he said yes! So I advised him to just say I am a follower of Jesus and try to live by His teachings.

Look for Him everywhere and you will find Him.(green for earth day)

weeds?

2008-04-20T16:53:00.007-04:00

This is an ode of sorts to weeds. They're pretty amazing when you think about it. They grow under the harshest of conditions, when the more elite & sophisticated plants turn up their noses, and they can have some of the most beautiful flowers around. I can vouch for the fact that the butterflies & bees that visit my yard certainly think so!

Over the last year or so, I've filled my backyard with all kinds of "butterfly attractant" flowers and yet, on any given morning, the plant they never fail to visit is the bidens alba, commonly known as "Beggar's-tick" (nice name, eh?) which currently proliferates in my backyard. Toby Hemenway in Gaia's Garden talks about how weeds are better than pretty much anything at deriving nutrition from the soil & air around them. It makes me wonder if the bugs can tell that...and if the nectar is somehow better from these plants? It would make sense since it would give them a definite advantage for propagation.

In any case, I'm keeping these real butterfly attractants around.

planting frenzy

2008-04-20T16:21:00.009-04:00

As a result of yesterday's visit to Jene's Tropical Fruit, I went a little mad with the planting. I seem to be maxed out on the backyard; managed to fit in 2 blackberry bushes & some replacements really to the crop circles (feverfew & new jalapeño plant) but the oak roots are just too pervasive on the west side of the yard. (I think the only thing I can possibly add over there are bromeliads & other shallow-rooted things.) So, I have officially begun work on the front yard!

I planted:

2 blueberry bushes (one even has blueberries already on it!), a mulberry (yummy memories of childhood here) & a starfruit tree

digital vs. analog

2008-04-20T11:37:00.011-04:00

After numerous attempts, I have finally achieved what I once thought to be an impossible task: reading a Thomas Pynchon novel. Admittedly, his shortest and "most accessible", yet I still feel some pride at actually getting through it - and more than that, enjoying it. At first I tried reading it in small chunks, letting the page-long sentences wash over me without trying to figure out what was going on. Excruciating method that I do not recommend. Finally, this weekend I decided to read it for real, going back to the beginning, reading aloud the interminable sentences until I began at last to get into the rhythm of his writing. Once that happened, the book flowed along more easily and I began to catch glimpses of the elusive idea.

[Here's a sample of the long, involved sentences:

Maybe to excess: how could he not, seeing people poorer than him come in, Negro, Mexican, cracker, a parade seven days a week, bringing the most godawful of trade-ins: motorized, metal extensions of themselves, of their families and what their whole lives must be like, out there so naked for anybody, a stranger like himself, to look at, frame cockeyed, rusty underneath, fender repainted in a shade just off enough to depress the value, if not Mucho himself, inside smelling hopelessly of children, supermarket booze, two sometimes three generations of cigarette smokers, or only of dust — and when the cars were swept out you had to look at the actual residue of these lives, and there was no way of telling what things had been truly refused (when so little he supposed came by that out of fear most of it had to be taken and kept) and what had simply (perhaps tragically) been lost: clipped coupons promising savings of 5 or 10¢, trading stamps, pink flyers advertising specials at the markets, butts, tooth-shy combs, help-wanted ads, Yellow Pages torn from the phone book, rags of old underwear or dresses that already were period costumes, for wiping your own breath of the inside of a windshield with so you could see whatever it was, a movie, a woman or car you coveted, a cop who might pull you over just for drill, all the bits and pieces uniformly, like a salad of despair, in a gray dressing of ash, condensed exhaust, dust, body wastes — it made him sick to look, but he had to look. (Pynchon, The Crying of Lot 49, 4-5)

Yes. That was all one sentence.]

I still cannot say that I got it. The entire experience was similar to what I imagine an acid trip to be like: nothing I can quite pinpoint but an overall, overwhelming sense of seeing an idea much larger than myself. The crux was a passage in which Oedipa (the protagonist) is trying to figure out whether the entire series of events were fabrication (an elaborate hoax or hallucination) or fact. She is certain that one or the other must be true since that is the matrix of life: ones or zeroes, life or death, paranoia or reality. And yet, since this is never resolved, one is left with the third possibility of something that is neither one nor the other — She had heard all about the excluded middles; they were bad shit, to be avoided...

gardening quandary

2008-04-19T10:57:00.017-04:00

I noticed yesterday morning that one of my pentas was looking unusually bedraggled in spots. Haven't had rain in a couple of weeks so I thought that might be the problem...but the other pentas in the yard all looked fine. Upon closer inspection, I found TWO huge caterpillars happily munching away. They are pretty funky-looking with 2 huge black spots which are, I think, to scare birds into thinking they are much larger than they are, and then a series of circles down their back.The coolest part of their camouflage is that they can look like a dead leaf hanging from the plant. So now the quandary. A good butterfly garden has good host plants for them to lay their eggs...and will have caterpillars. My reading on the subject suggests planting in large quantities for this very reason and just assume that you will lose some to bugs & caterpillars. Eventually a balance will be achieved as natural predators invade, etc. It's so hard to do though when I have a plant that I feel so personally invested in though!

For the moment I'm going to let them be since the plant seems to be fine except for those 2 areas. Plus, it seems to have survived this before since I can remember it looking this way in other years.

In other gardening news, I'm checking out a place this afternoon that I found online and that just happens to be over in St. Pete! (Jene's Tropical Fruit) It looks like they have both the perennial peanut there AND blueberry bushes! I am very excited :)

rain gardening

2008-04-06T13:40:00.012-04:00

For the past few weekends, I've been working on putting in a little rain garden near the downspout. That area constantly floods when I have rain, particularly if it rains for an extended period of time - or heavily - and it never fails to flood the back porch as well. Briefly tried a rain barrel there but the location is not ideal - neither in terms of convenience or for the obstructed view!

The idea behind the rain garden is to dig out a depression and then fill it with plants and other elements that allow the excess water to soak into the ground, rather than simply eroding away the topsoil. They can be as elaborate or simple as you want to make them. (I just read about a cool system they have at the Permaculture Institute of Northern California that uses greywater in a similar way, eventually ending in a pond, complete with ducks & koi. )

Step 1:
Dug out the area for the rain garden. Not as extensive as I would've liked due to the inevitable roots in my way! For the most part, I filled the area with ferns & other plants transplanted from another corner of the yard but I did pick up some lilies to include.

lillies purchased from a local garden fairtransplanted ferns

Step 2:
Sheet mulched the surrounding area to build up the soil and allow me to plant ground cover. This should further define the rain garden area and also prevent dirt from filling the area back up. The added mulch in the rain garden itself should help hold in water for the water-loving plants - plus it makes it less apparent that it is actually about a foot deeper than the rest.

so far the transplants seem to be holding up!

Step 3:
The first rain since the garden has been installed! Seems to be working. Water has collected into the depressions and NO flooding on the porch, despite almost continuous rain since last night. Hooray! Now I just need the area to fill in with greenery and hopefully it will be a beautiful addition to the garden.

2008-04-01T22:25:00.004-04:00

Anyone reading this (thankfully, an unlikely scenario) will begin to wonder at the frequency with which spiders are mentioned in this blog...but I had another encounter with one that has made me think...and gave me a tiny insight into the concept of grace.

I was washing up and (luckily for the spider) before I began to run the water, I noticed a small spider down in the basin. I switched to the other side, all the while keeping an eye on her to see what she would do next. During the course of rinsing of dishes, etc, the poor thing tried repeatedly to climb up the wall of the sink and kept falling down. The thoughts of her slowly starving to death or worse, being inadvertently killed when I next washed dishes, were too unsettling so I determined to "rescue" her. I tried the first thing at hand - a fork - which she did *not* like and scurried away from, even when presented with the handled end.

After several other implements were tried and rejected by said spider, I finally hit upon the drain stopper and that met with her approval. I airlifted her to the counter and watched with satisfaction as she scurried off to the corner, probably never to venture out to the world of the sink again. It made me think of my biggest roadblock to believing in God - that I cannot fathom an infinite being of a vast universe concerning itself with such a small and inconsequential planet such as Earth, much less one of the billions of beings that inhabit it. Obviously, I am much more closely connected to the spider in terms of scale than this being would be to me but still, it made me think that perhaps such a thing could be possible.

easter (garden update)

2008-03-23T08:26:00.008-04:00

Thought you'd like a peak at how my garden grows!

tomatoes-to-be

strawberries...now if they'll just blossom!

good news?

2008-03-23T01:18:00.024-04:00

Well, I have discovered that it wasn't a *black* widow that I had in that trash can last year. No, it was a brown widow. I discovered this because I have another one that I found as I was taking apart this old bird bath I had hanging around (I wanted to re-use the top for something else). Ugh. It still gives me the shivers. I didn't see her at first as she was balled up under the rim (although I was suspicious because the egg sacs looked so similar to the last time) so I blithely carried the bird bath out to the curb.

brown widow - eggs & markings

Realized later in the day that there definitely was a spider there - quite a large one, in fact. But still not too concerned b/c I could plainly see that is was brown and not black and that it had stripes on it's legs. Took a look at her with the headlights then when I got home just now. She had come out from being under the rim and was stretched out right in the middle of her web. I could see quite clearly that she had an orange/red marking on her abdomen and had that weird body shape that black widows have. Still, I thought, the striped legs, the brown body - surely it's an angiope.

angiope

Came inside to look up angiopes online. Definitely not the same spider. Then I thought to look up brown widows which I remembered hearing about earlier this year. Sure enough, brown widows also have striped legs and their color ranges from a light brown to an almost black - although they can get very dark markings and can sometimes be mistaken for a black widow. But the way you can tell them apart is that the brown widow has a spiky egg sac (see picture above). So that must have been a brown widow before b/c that was exactly what those eggs looked like then.

Apparently they are very prevalent in this area (http://sarasota.extension.ufl.edu/IPM/BrownWidow.htm) and their venom is twice as potent as the black widow. Isn't that nice? Luckily they are much less aggressive than the black widow and more likely to choose "flight" over "fight" which is probably why I haven't had a problem with them...other than scaring me 1/2 to death.

Not sure what to do about it now though. Should I kill it? I feel like I should so that the trash guy doesn't get hurt but now I'm nervous to go near it. (Which seems silly considering I carried it from the back yard to the front earlier AND was practically handling it when I was taking it apart.) I am never going to be able to get to sleep tonight - especially without being able to read!

UPDATE (3/23):
Well, I have killed it. Felt horrible because the spray (which I found in the garage from the previous owners) didn't work very quickly so I had to watch prolonged death throes, feeling more and more guilty all the while.

Here's a picture of her before her untimely death (most of her is still hidden under the edge):

reading deprivation

2008-03-23T00:08:00.008-04:00

So I finally ran out of excuses to start the week of no reading (& other media). I made it through day 2 (since technically this is day 3 already). Only 4-1/2 more to go!

Came very close to giving up - or at least calling a time out - this afternoon and came to the realization that my intense urge to read was not, in fact, because I was bored (this is what I'd assumed would be my downfall) but the result of a stressful conversation with Mom (not stressful b/c of her; rather due to the topic).

The weird thing about it is that the desire to just read a book was so overwhelming - and I didn't make the connection between the stress and the desire until I was journaling afterwards. I knew that I used books as an escape but I hadn't realized that it was so unconscious!

Hoping that the rest of the week gets easier.

my newest babies

2008-03-14T06:35:00.009-04:00

I think I am proudest of this latest "crop circle" as everything in here (saving the tomato plant in the middle) has been grown from seed (organic seed at that). I am particularly excited to start being able to enjoy the dill. Yummy.

clockwise, starting from the bottom: rosemary bush, dill, chives & leeks

with a beefsteak tomato plant, smack dab in the middle

the dill seems to realize how anxiously i'm awaiting it's fruition

Media Fast

2008-03-06T12:35:00.011-05:00

I have begun to read the fourth chapter in The Artist's Way - and so the clock begins to tick. You see I was warned by a poster on 43 Things that the 4th week contains a ban on reading. Yes, ironically enough, an *author* asks you not to *read* for one full week. The rationalization behind this ban is that reading is used by artists as a tranquilizer to escape and that by removing the distraction, we allow ourselves to participate in the sensory world. Cameron also encourages banning or limiting other media distractions as well such as movies, radio, television and the like so that is my plan. I have decided that music is the one medium I will allow myself.

Even before the fast begins, I have already begun to notice how addicted to reading I really am. I have been putting it off with the lamest of excuses ("I just need to finish this one book" or "I cannot possibly keep this movie out of circulation for another entire week") so soon I will bite the bullet. Honestly, going without food or even water for a week seems more do-able at this point. I don't believe I have gone an entire week without reading since I first began to read. This will certainly be a test of willpower if nothing else.

GFO 2008

2008-03-04T17:08:00.009-05:00

Lovely table overlooking the parking lot

Just came off of another one of our "GFO" vacations that have become an annual and sometimes even bi-annual tradition. Despite hearing about things going on at work to equal the Elizabethan court (which completely wrecked any chance of actually sleeping that weekend), I was reminded once again of how special and how rare these friendships are. Here are a few pictures from the weekend. Hope to get more soon as (per usual), I completely forgot to take pictures most of the time!

Above & below taken at "Krystal & Becky's neighborhood bar"
Blue Martini
Shadow even got to be part of the "sleepover"

Annika demonstrates her dance moves

Things I worry about in the middle of the night

2008-03-04T06:54:00.015-05:00

(1) Valuable Water Sources Disappearing

Lake Chad: 1972 and 1987. Lake Chad, which supplies water to Chad, Cameroon, Niger and Nigeria, was once one of the largest lakes in Africa. But extensive irrigation projects, the encroaching desert and an increasingly dry climate have caused it to shrink to 5% its former size. (The Guardian, 3/4/2008)

(2) Plague of Plastic Chokes the Seas

The yellow dots show the pattern that the trash moves so that there are spots where it accumulates into massive areas in the middle of the ocean. Below is the Pacific. The Atlantic has one too (how nice for it). (LA Times, 8/2/2006)

(3) Plastics & Microplastics in our Oceans

It's bad enough to hear about stories like the one about a whale that had basically starved to death because its stomach was full of the crap above. (Banish the Bags, Daily Mail, 2/27/2008) Even worse are the microscopic plastic particles that these plastics break down into that do the same thing to the fish and other marine life who eat them thinking they are plankton. (Invisible Plastic Trash Poses Newfound Threat to Sea Life, Live Science website, 11/2/2007)

getting easier

2008-02-26T22:53:00.012-05:00

I got some reusable bags (you can get them for free at Small Steps for Better Living) last summer and at first it was difficult to (1) remember to bring them with me and (2) ask clerks to use the bags I brought rather than the plastic bags they brought with them. I typically got rolled eyes and sometimes (which was the worst!) they would proceed to THROW AWAY the bag they had already gotten out to use. Argh.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that as the idea has become a little more common, sales people are becoming much nicer about it and it has become such a habit for me that I have now been 1 full month without receiving any disposable bags. Perhaps not the euphoric bliss evidently felt by the woman in orange in the picture above but feels good nonetheless.

2008-02-26T11:59:00.016-05:00

I keep thinking of something that lenon said to me the other day. Along the lines that God exists as a kind of karmic force in the universe, making things come together for people, basically working for the good. This also goes along with the (central?) theory behind The Artist's Way (e.g.,"As we open our creative channel to the creator, many gentle but powerful changes are to be expected." and "...when we move out on faith into the act of creation, the universe is able to advance.")

I can understand this argument and in fact, I think the basic principle is true; I just don't know that I believe it is true due to the existence of God. Similar to the effect of prayer or meditation, I think that what actually happens is by praying/meditating/chanting affirmations/what have you, we start to expect positive results and to watching and waiting for them so that as soon as an opportunity presents itself, we are ready to act.

I think that it's similar to finding one's way by acting subconsciously rather than consciously. There is certainly a great deal to the universe and to human abilities that are still unexplored. Look at how little medical science knows about the human brain. Perhaps religion somehow taps into some as-yet-unexplained mental abilities? Either way, it does not seem to be to be a sufficient argument for god's existence.

2008-02-24T19:03:00.009-05:00

Spent most of the weekend's daylight hours (as much as I could spare from obligations) in the backyard. I spent several hours this afternoon watching butterflies zero in on the choicest flowers, trying to discover the secret to their flight pattern. Then a bird made a minute inspection of the good orange tree; I wondered if it was looking for a nest location since it seemed to spend a great deal of time looking at the nest left there by a previous occupant. There seemed to be quite a large number of birds hanging out this afternoon. Seemed to be around 20 or so just in the laurel oak at any given moment.

I am feeling a bit of relief and also a great deal of sadness too - this morning I spoke to Tommy re: my decision to step down from the leadership team. He was quite understanding and said that he had gone through a similar crisis a year or so ago. It was difficult to do and, like last time, I almost chickened out at the last minute due to the feelings I always experience after singing. But overall, I think it was the right decision to make - mostly for my own mental well-being. I hate feeling like I am living a lie and that is exactly how I'd been feeling the past few months.

weekend update

2008-02-24T19:03:00.008-05:00

2008-02-20T20:32:00.009-05:00

So I am giving up on Ward's Case for Religion. Instead I've started in on Carl Sagan's The Varieties of Scientific Experience which has been absolutely amazing so far. [It is basically the transcripts from the Gifford Lecture series he did in 1985.] Practically every sentence feels as though it is saying the things that I have been trying to put into thought for years.

In an attempt to balance out this overemphasis on the rational/logical, I am also going through The Artist's Way which I found to be so life-changing last summer. I think the "morning pages" are the real secret. Something about writing those thoughts down first thing in the morning helps me think through what I'm doing and what I want out of the day, life, work, etc. It does seem to be helping me to put out little roots of stability, I think.

I've also been doing a lot of work out in the garden which is always extremely therapeutic for me. Things are finally starting to recover from that freeze we had in January. I think I could spend hours observing the bugs & butterflies, listening to the birds and just marveling at the way things develop and grow.

garden therapy

2008-02-20T20:32:00.008-05:00

So I am giving up on Ward's Case for Religion. Instead I've started in on Carl Sagan's The Varieties of Scientific Experience which has been absolutely amazing so far. [It is basically the transcripts from the Gifford Lecture series he did in 1985.] Practically every sentence feels as though it is saying the things that I have been trying to put into thought for years.

In an attempt to balance out this overemphasis on the rational/logical, I am also going through The Artist's Way which I found to be so life-changing last summer. I think the "morning pages" are the real secret. Something about writing those thoughts down first thing in the morning helps me think through what I'm doing and what I want out of the day, life, work, etc. It does seem to be helping me to put out little roots of stability, I think.

I've also been doing a lot of work out in the garden which is always extremely therapeutic for me. Things are finally starting to recover from that freeze we had in January. I think I could spend hours observing the bugs & butterflies, listening to the birds and just marveling at the way things develop and grow.

2008-02-16T22:27:00.006-05:00

I'm reading a new book entitled The Case for Religion by Keith Ward. So far (and to be honest this isn't very far at all), his arguments seem to primarily rest on showing the longevity of religious beliefs and the vast number of people who have believed in various religions. And so far, his arguments are striking me the same way that many of the arguments from many Christians around have: purely personal and therefore difficult for me to believe.

Don't get me wrong. I understand the argument from personal experience. I have FELT personal experiences that seemed to be miraculous, moments of God reaching out to humanity in a way that seemed could only be from God. But I guess I'm just too jaded (especially after being in marketing!) to trust that kind of thing. It's so easy to be misled and/or swayed by emotion and I can just as easily be swayed into negative feelings. I just don't trust them to be any indicator of truth.

So I cannot rely on what I feel or even what I think I've seen. And I certainly cannot trust what other people tell them from their own personal experience. Martyrs are/were absolutely convinced in order to die for their beliefs. But people die all the time for inaccuracies and untruths. Even listing all the intelligent people who have come before me who have believed does not convince me.

Here's hoping that subsequent chapters will provide arguments with a little more *meat*!

2008-02-07T06:10:00.002-05:00

My current "investigation" is into the questions of the Bible and inaccuracies. The more I read, the more I find it difficult to explain them away. Some tenets of Christian doctrine that many take issue with I do not consider to be critical to my faith (such as the virgin birth) and therefore am not disillusioned to find that most likely the old testament writings referred simply to a young girl rather than a "virgin" (although this does not seem to be much by way of sign...but whatever).

Outrights untruths though are another matter. I do not know what to do with the historical fact that Herod died four years before Quirinius began his rule or that there is no record of a census/tax anywhere around that time, particularly one requiring people to journey back to their city of origin (which always seemed odd to me in any event). The obvious conclusion seems to be that the writers of the gospels were tailoring their story to fit in with the prophecies concerning the Messiah (i.e., that he would be born in Bethlehem) rather than relating the actual story. I'm having a very hard time reconciling this to what I have always believed: namely, that God's word, while not primarily a historical document, would nonetheless prove to be true to the extent that the human (and therefore fallible) authors were capable. I expect inaccuracies of the sort of an imperfect understanding of science, but the above reeks of manipulation and outright charlatanism.

Perhaps the solution, as has been suggested to me now by a whole range of friends and acquaintances, is to accept that the Bible is not inerrant but to view it as I would the words and works of more contemporary Christians - imperfect and broken tools that God uses to His glory in spite of themselves.

2008-02-04T21:23:00.002-05:00

Atheism is not a proof that God does not exist. Instead it is the assertion that theism does not provide an adequate proof of the existence of God.(Dawkins)

Our belief is not a belief. Our principles are not a faith. We do not rely solely upon science & reason, because these are necessary rather than sufficient factors, but we distrust anything that contradicts science or outrages reason. (Hitchens, God Is Not Great, p.5)

So this brings me to the crux of my problem: while I have no problem believing that there is god, much of the Bible "contradicts science or outrages reason" so many times. And yes, I know the verse about God's wisdom being wiser than the wisdom of the world but to be honest, this just seems like a bit of a cop-out in my present frame of mind. I keep coming back to the thought that if humans are created in God's image (and given the whole "God is a spirit" doctrine, I'm assuming that's spiritual image rather than bodily), why wouldn't it make sense? Yes, acting in faith can be a spiritual experience but why wouldn't the overall framework fit together? It's one thing to believe that there is a God, that he wants a personal relationship with humans - but why would there be huge discrepancies in the revelation he gave us then?

2008-02-03T14:57:00.003-05:00

I am now 2 more books into my search (Kenneth Miller's Finding Darwin's God and Christopher Hitchins' God Is Not Great; I also read Swinburne's Is There a God? in there but didn't find anything new/enlightening) and have reached the tenuous conclusion that there is a god of some sort - in the sense that there is some supernatural being who is eternal and upon whose existence the laws of the universe are based.

Of course, since this is not much more than calling the constants "god", I'm not sure how much progress this is but it feels like a start.

coolest xmas gift

2008-01-01T17:54:00.001-05:00

Last summer a friend of mine from work, Lisa Gellens, was showing my friend Jenn & myself some of the jewelry that she had been designing - really cool stuff. She and her sister, Stephanie, have set up a business which you can find online here. I immediately asked her if she would design something for me but had no idea what to even ask for. Jenn jumped in and said "Oh, let me work with her - I think I know what you'd like and then I can give it to you for Christmas." The result is this gorgeous necklace & earring set that are just so beautiful, I almost feel too nervous to wear them.

The stone is called larimar and is absolutely exquisite -- beyond words. It comes from the Dominican Republic. The color, the detail in the stone, and the unique setting make this my all-time favorite Christmas gift.

2008-01-01T10:16:00.002-05:00

Here are the points which make up Dawkins' central argument (taken verbatim from God Delusion, my comments in orange):

One of the greatest challenges to the human intellect... has been to explain how the complex, improbable appearance of design in the universe arises.- Agreed

The natural temptation is to attribute the appearance of design to actual design itself. - Agreed

The temptation is a false one, because the designer hypothesis immediately raises the larger problem of who designed the designer....It is no solution to postulate something even more improbably. We need a "crane", not a "skyhook", for only a crane can do the business of working up gradually & plausibly from simplicity to otherwise improbable complexity. - This is where I disagree. To me, it makes more sense that an eternal God is a less improbable and easier explanation than something from nothing.

The most ingenious & powerful crane so far discovered is Darwinian evolution by natural selection... - Agreed

We don't yet have an equivalent crane for physics. Some kind of multiverse theory could in principle do for physics the same explanatory work as Darwinism does for biology. This kind of explanation is superficially less satisfying than the biological version of Darwinism, because it makes heavier demands on luck. But the anthropic principle entitles us to postulate far more luck than our limited human intuition is comfortable with. - Agreed

We should not give up hope of a better crane arising in physics, something as powerful as Darwinism is for biology. But even in the absence of a strongly satisfying crane to match the biological one, the relatively weak cranes we have at present are, when abetted by the anthropic principle, self-evidently better than the self-defeating skyhook hypothesis of an intelligent designer. - Agreed, somewhat.

(Dawkins, The God Delusion, 2006, pp 157-158)

2007-12-29T08:31:00.003-05:00

If there is no God, what existed before? How did life come into being ex nihilo? Despite the difficulty in wrapping my mind around an eternal being who always existed, it is even more difficult to imagine nothingness and then suddenly something. Perhaps I've just had more practice believing the former and I will admit that I have an interest in coming to the conclusion that God exists.

Although maybe that too is a lie. In some ways life would be much easier if there were no God. It would then simply be a matter of making life as rich and meaningful as possible based solely on my own interests. And if there truly is no God, then it doesn't really matter if I do or do not continue to go to church, etc since the net result is ultimately the same and I have the advantage of a community & friendship either way. But that all just seems so....wrong.

I've been researching it online, since Dawkins did not really address the question in God Delusion and have not found anything that satisfactorily answers it for me. All admit that it is a good question...and then most seem to gloss right over it and assume that it happened ("we know that it happened because we exist" which seems like a complete tautology to me.)

Here are some of the better examples I could find:

Big Bang Theory
University of Wisconsin Physics Dept

What existed before the Big Bang?
by Alison Snyder, posted August 21st, 2006.

I have acquired a new book Kenneth R Miller's Finding Darwin's God: A Scientist's Search for Common Ground Between God and Evolution but it almost seems too soon for that. I have no issue with believing evolution; in fact, I suspect that this will go right along with my own theories with regard to how the world began. But I fear moving on to a theory that assumes God's existence without having first definitely proved that it is solid. It seems so precarious to all come down to one tenant - God exists because otherwise something would have come from nothing and that would be impossible.

2007-12-05T21:29:00.003-05:00

richard dawkins' the god delusion

The time has come to write about a book that has certainly changed my life in the short-term and perhaps forever. It certainly feels that way at the moment and to say that determining how to react has been an obsession for me this last month would not be an overstatement.

For the first couple of chapters, I was quite unimpressed and found myself thinking that this book would be easily dismissed as the diatribes of a fanatic. Perhaps this lured me into a sense of false security but, for whatever reason, beginning with the third or fourth chapter, I found myself blind-sided with well-reasoned, compelling arguments that have forced me to re-examine my entire belief structure.I will admit that there have always been underlying doubts. What height of arrogance to imagine that a supreme being of this vast universe (over 100 billion billion visible solar systems as a friend of mine has pointed out) would take an interest in a single, solitary planet and more than that, a single solitary human being such as myself. Even assuming that God exists, how can we really know that we have the correct version of worship. Who is to say whether it is Christianity, Islam, or Hinduism that is correct? I admit, my first instinct is to think "But isn't is more practical to continue to ascribe to Christianity since if it is true, it is the only way to avoid eternal damnation and if it is false, it won't matter anyway." Somehow I doubt that a "safety net" belief system would count for much in the final analysis. Besides, without that belief at the core, I cannot go back to that innocent faith anyway. I must figure out what I believe because until I do, everything feels like a lie.

new floors

2007-10-30T06:32:00.001-04:00

Pictures of the new floors. They are absolutely beautiful and still feel a little unreal to me. Completely changed the way the house looks.

Living Room

Bedroom

Kitchen too!

(See below for "before" pics)

i (heart) words

2007-10-06T05:35:00.000-04:00

I confess to having a secret love affairs with words. Etymology, nuance & subtext, history and music are all contained in a simple combination of syllables and sounds. Even in everyday conversations, the words selected reveal so much more than a literal reading of them would suggest. I think that this is why I love to study new languages for often the history of a people is embedded in the development of the vocabulary.

Not only do people use language to communicate with one another, thereby creating community but also to exclude outsiders. One of the first things that seems to happen within a group of people living/working closely is that they begin to use code words and shortcuts, seemingly to make communication more efficient. Subconsciously it is to create an exclusivity, to define the parameters of their world so that new entrants must take the time to learn their language before gaining admittance.

All of this has been sparked by my discovery of a website/email call World Wide Words. The author, Michael Quinion, writes each week about topical words, weird words, words becoming obsolescent and, my favorite, a section titled sic in which subscribers contribute examples of words used incorrectly or in a way that communicates things the author did not intend. (E.g., "An Associated Press news item dated 3 October surprised Norman C Berns: "Sampson said fossils of duck-billed dinosaurs once lived throughout the northwestern part of North America." Mr Berns now feels there's more to evolution than he ever imagined.")

Through language you shall know your culture.

I'm getting new floors!!

2007-10-05T21:44:00.000-04:00

When I first was looking at my house with the realtor back in 2004, I remember commenting to her that one of the first things I would do, were I to buy this house, would be to replace the floors. However, upon moving in, the myriad of new homeowner expenses that inevitably overwhelm one did just that and I put off the floors until later. (Besides, there were more pressing decorating challenges to overcome, such as the mirrors on the LOWER half of the dining area wall and the horrendous wallpaper everywhere...not to mention swinging saloon-style doors separating the kitchen from the dining room!)

Over the years I've been trying different methods of "living with" my current floors. My most brilliant idea was to *paint* the horrid vinyl tiles in the bathrooms & kitchen with garage floor paint. Worked great the first time but didn't stand up to mopping very well. So I re-painted. BAD idea. Either there was more than one coat of paint now or maybe it was just too humid the day that I re-painted but in any case, the floors are now sticky and the thing that sticks most is dirt. Ugh. And no matter what I've tried, that dirt is embedded into the paint permanently. I realized that things had gone too far when I stopped inviting people over because I was so embarrassed for them to see my floors! (Shallow I know).

So now I have bitten the bullet. The house has been measured, the new flooring has been ordered and it just remains to get it installed. (Logistics on this look like they will be challenging to say the least). I am getting porcelain tile for the 2 bathrooms and pecan hardwood everywhere else. Originally intended to go for bamboo because it seemed so much more environmentally-friendly but after further research, decided that pecan would be a better choice. Unlike the bamboo, it is domestically produced and is certified (whereas bamboo is typically imported with questionable labor practices so say the least). Also, from what I've read, it scratches more easily and having a German Shepherd, it just didn't seem practical.

So now I'm trying to get all the painting finished up (re-painting the living room and painting my bedroom for the first time) before they come to install. Hopefully that will be first of November although they have promised me that it would be done by Thanksgiving.

rooftop garden

2007-09-19T21:24:00.002-04:00

OK, so I really, really hate to clean the gutters...but this is ridiculous! The situation has been compounded by the size of the porch roof (can't get the stuff stuck in the middle from the sides) and the fact that the porch is not really sturdy enough to hold a full-size human.

After taking this photo, I did manage to uproot some of the larger plants that were closest to the roof-side. It actually makes a pretty nice place to start new plants. I was able to transplant some of the specimens to the yard and so far, they are doing quite well. Now if only I can figure out a way to make it a little more accessible!

Suggestions I've received:

Use a rake - the rakes that I have are too wide to fit between the channels. But I do plan to try to find a narrower one this weekend. This is plan A.
Get a high-powered pressure washer - this is probably the most practical suggestion. However, it involves the hassle of renting the equipment and then climbing onto the main roof. This option scares me a little.
Embrace it - consider it a benefit and use it until the weight and/or the TREE growing there brings the whole thing crashing down

backyard spider

2007-09-03T17:47:00.001-04:00

For weeks I've been wondering what kind of spider it is that has moved in over the compost heap and so this weekend I've spent several hours scouring spider images to find a match. And when I say hours, I am NOT exaggerating! I knew it must be some type of orb weaver but even looking up "common Florida spiders" did not turn up anything that resembled it more than slightly. It was particularly evident since this spider has an odd body shape - very conical - which none of the spiders I was looking at seemed to have. (Although I was a little unsure b/c due to their position, I could never get a good look at them from the top).

Anyway, FINALLY discovered that what I have living all around my yard is the Leucauge venusta (aka "orchard spider"). Doesn't seem to be a whole lot of information out there on them but I must say that they are beautiful spiders. They are also fascinating to watch.

my favorite niece & nephew

2007-08-30T12:50:00.003-04:00

Thought I'd try out blogging, just for myself right now. And since I can't think of anything else to put here, here's some pictures from my recent trip to Minneapolis helping my brother & family move there. Below, my niece Lilly & nephew James.

These pictures pretty accurately sum up their personalities.

clrturquoise *.*