Taking the Plunge

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain

I have finally taken the plunge and given notice to my boss. I had a particularly difficult meeting Wednesday (the tortuous two-hour meeting we have *every* Wednesday for reasons no one seems quite able to explain) that ended in an evening of tears and frantic calculating and re-calculating my budget to see if I could survive if I were to give my 2 weeks notice this week. It frustrates me that this person can intimidate me to the point that my mind goes blank.

So my stomach gave a flip when the first thing I saw Thursday morning when I logged in was a one-on-one meeting my boss had set up for the afternoon. I spent the day plotting what I do, ranging from giving notice on the spot to trying to hold out until the end of summer. At first, I thought the latter plan was going to work since he started off by apologizing for not coming to my defense and legitimately wanted to talk through ideas and suggestions. Then we started talking about my goals - the whole where do I see myself here conversation and the ensuing dread I felt made me decide to take the plunge once and for all.

It actually went better than I expected. He seemed genuinely happy for me and even offered to connect me up to a friend of his who works in UNC's library program (which would be such a dream job - esp in the history dept!) I think. Since ideally there would be overlap between me and the next person (or people - since he told me today that he's thinking of restructuring my job into 2-3 jobs!), he also was nice enough to work with HR to make sure that I am guaranteed my job through Aug 20th. 

The funniest part is that I already feel differently about the job. I had a meeting involving the Dreaded VP this afternoon and had no problem speaking up. I felt curiously outside of the process, observing his effect on everyone else in the room and suddenly realizing that he's not as smart as he someone manages to convince the rest of us he is. I don't know how he does it but today listening to him without the usual frantic mental dialog of trying to anticipate where he was going to go, I really heard how repetitious and...unimaginative he actually is. Not that this changes my mind about anything but, still, it seemed revelatory somehow. 

I still feel like I need to say something to HR about all this but think, in light of the circumstances, it probably makes sense to wait until my end date is closer. It's weird though how much mood affects interaction with others. I feel so much...lighter. I went to the store this afternoon and was amazed at how many people smiled at me, made small talk, etc. Maybe that happens all the time and I don't notice but I swear it had something to do with the relief I am feeling (and probably the huge grin pasted on my face!)

ah, the dreaded syllabus

What is it about that sheet of paper (or in this case about 10 sheets of paper!) that is so intimidating? I am looking over the course materials for the class I am taking this summer (Basic Information Sources and Services) and discovered that  (1) I have an assignment due already next week and (2) it is just as overwhelming as I remember.  I know it's just a matter of getting back into the rhythm of school - papers and reading massive amounts of information and scheduling, scheduling, scheduling. Just take a deep breath and take it one step at a time.

OK so looking it over again, it's not so bad. The grading seems to be divided fairly between a series of research projects, a couple of online quizzes, in-class exercises and a paper. I like that my entire grade won't rest on one single thing. And I also like that with this course, I will get a taste of both online learning (which seems to make up a significant part of the degree) and being in class. 

Still, I am glad that I have only the one class. The professor has included in the syllabus a warning that the class is "intensive" and will require a commitment of at least 15 hours a week! I think I may need to re-think my somewhat ambitious plans to complete a degree in a year...

It's good to be back!

Reunion Dread

My best friend growing up has had a concerted campaign ongoing for us to go to our 20-yr high school reunion for years. As the event looms this summer, she has stepped up the campaigning considerably, pulling out all the stops and using every method at her disposal, including that most effective of tools - guilt. (Luckily, I am getting better at ignoring this feeling, thanks to years of guilt therapy from my parents!)

When we last spoke earlier this week, I somewhat half-heartedly said that maybe I would consider going for a little while and since that time, I have been having nightmares and waking up in a cold sweat. It is unreal how anxiety-inducing just the thought of revisiting that time in my life is. I am afraid of revisiting all the awkward and awful memories: all the insecurities of being made fun of for my un-stylish clothing and hair, for talking too much, for not fitting in. From what I have seen via Facebook, I still do not fit in. They all appear to be politically conservative, married and obsessed with the various things their kids are doing. The thoughts of spending an evening making small-talk sounds like torture - and that's even without the aforementioned bad memories.

Maybe going back now that I understand who I am a little better than I did then would be good for me:  face down the demons and move on. Right now it sure doesn't feel like it though.

mulberries!

(This is from Monday night. For some reason, I couldn't get any pictures to upload then.)

Two years ago I planted this tiny mulberry tree, bravely sporting two mulberries and about 5 leaves. That was in the spring of 2008. In the meantime, it grew & grew but I almost forgot that someday it would have fruit until I was mowing the lawn a few weeks ago and noticed hundreds of green fuzzy things that looked like the beginnings of berries. As I was on my way into the house last night after work I thought the I should check up on the. Good thing I did as a good number of them were already ripe and some had already started to fall onto the ground!

I think I must have eaten 100 or so just standing there last night. I forgot how so very good they are. If you've never had one, they are a little similar to blackberries when they are sweet but with a slightly different tang. I cannot believe a tree this size has so many berries though. They cover the tree from top to bottom (even down inches from the ground) and luckily the birds don't seem to have found them as of yet. I'm not sure what I'll do when this tree reaches full size but in the meantime, I'm hoping I will have enough to at least make a pie. Yummy, yummy.