Reunion Dread

My best friend growing up has had a concerted campaign ongoing for us to go to our 20-yr high school reunion for years. As the event looms this summer, she has stepped up the campaigning considerably, pulling out all the stops and using every method at her disposal, including that most effective of tools - guilt. (Luckily, I am getting better at ignoring this feeling, thanks to years of guilt therapy from my parents!)

When we last spoke earlier this week, I somewhat half-heartedly said that maybe I would consider going for a little while and since that time, I have been having nightmares and waking up in a cold sweat. It is unreal how anxiety-inducing just the thought of revisiting that time in my life is. I am afraid of revisiting all the awkward and awful memories: all the insecurities of being made fun of for my un-stylish clothing and hair, for talking too much, for not fitting in. From what I have seen via Facebook, I still do not fit in. They all appear to be politically conservative, married and obsessed with the various things their kids are doing. The thoughts of spending an evening making small-talk sounds like torture - and that's even without the aforementioned bad memories.

Maybe going back now that I understand who I am a little better than I did then would be good for me:  face down the demons and move on. Right now it sure doesn't feel like it though.