Taking the Plunge

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain

I have finally taken the plunge and given notice to my boss. I had a particularly difficult meeting Wednesday (the tortuous two-hour meeting we have *every* Wednesday for reasons no one seems quite able to explain) that ended in an evening of tears and frantic calculating and re-calculating my budget to see if I could survive if I were to give my 2 weeks notice this week. It frustrates me that this person can intimidate me to the point that my mind goes blank.

So my stomach gave a flip when the first thing I saw Thursday morning when I logged in was a one-on-one meeting my boss had set up for the afternoon. I spent the day plotting what I do, ranging from giving notice on the spot to trying to hold out until the end of summer. At first, I thought the latter plan was going to work since he started off by apologizing for not coming to my defense and legitimately wanted to talk through ideas and suggestions. Then we started talking about my goals - the whole where do I see myself here conversation and the ensuing dread I felt made me decide to take the plunge once and for all.

It actually went better than I expected. He seemed genuinely happy for me and even offered to connect me up to a friend of his who works in UNC's library program (which would be such a dream job - esp in the history dept!) I think. Since ideally there would be overlap between me and the next person (or people - since he told me today that he's thinking of restructuring my job into 2-3 jobs!), he also was nice enough to work with HR to make sure that I am guaranteed my job through Aug 20th. 

The funniest part is that I already feel differently about the job. I had a meeting involving the Dreaded VP this afternoon and had no problem speaking up. I felt curiously outside of the process, observing his effect on everyone else in the room and suddenly realizing that he's not as smart as he someone manages to convince the rest of us he is. I don't know how he does it but today listening to him without the usual frantic mental dialog of trying to anticipate where he was going to go, I really heard how repetitious and...unimaginative he actually is. Not that this changes my mind about anything but, still, it seemed revelatory somehow. 

I still feel like I need to say something to HR about all this but think, in light of the circumstances, it probably makes sense to wait until my end date is closer. It's weird though how much mood affects interaction with others. I feel so much...lighter. I went to the store this afternoon and was amazed at how many people smiled at me, made small talk, etc. Maybe that happens all the time and I don't notice but I swear it had something to do with the relief I am feeling (and probably the huge grin pasted on my face!)