bad news

A good friend of mine from work just found out yesterday that she has breast cancer. The doctor called her at work and I happened to be the one who looked up and realized she was hearing very bad news. My friend didn't really believe the doctor - after all she'd just had a clean mammogram in September. Everything had all happened really quickly, beginning with a chance comment to a doctor in a follow-up visit.

She was reeling from all the information the doctor had tried to convey but did manage to figure out that it was lobular carcinoma and she thought the doctor had something about inflammation. I looked up lobular carcinoma which is a rarer type of breast cancer but just a difference of location (tissue vs. the ducts). It wasn't until this morning when I was looking on the Susan G. Komen site that I found inflammatory. And it is so not good. Apparently inflammatory breast cancer is a particularly evil version that develops very quickly and spreads very aggressively. It is automatically classified as stage IIIB or IV and the prognosis is "very poor" which explains why  the doctor was saying things to her about "getting her things in order" which I thought was just bad bedside manner.

Ugh. I have so much to do in the next two weeks as school wraps up - but all I can do is stare at the screen. This is such bad news.

post-interview blues

I went in for an interview yesterday for a p/t job at a local library. I was feeling ambivalent about the job since (1) it entails work that is primarily not my area of interest (e.g., not a lot of interaction with patrons, mostly computer work) and (2) I'm worried that adding 20 hrs to the mix might upset my oh-so-nice balance of work & play I have going right now. However, money is certainly tight and a few extra dollars wouldn't hurt. Plus it would be good to get some *real* experience under my belt.

So going in to the interview I felt pretty good about things. If I get the job, great and if I don't, that's probably ok too. Fast forward to today and all that very-logical reasoning is out the window. First I had trouble sleeping the night before and then was very nervous, especially when I went into the interview - a panel of people asking me a series of formulaic questions (e.g., give an example of a time when you acted independently). All the preparation I had done on the specifics about the job itself were more or less useless because it was a government job and so they had to ask the same questions to every applicant. Worse, I started to get flustered and things went from bad to worse. I couldn't think of answers to the questions and really wished I could just ask for a do-over :)

So now I'm trying to put it all behind me. Maybe I am making too much out of it and maybe I wasn't so bad as I think. It's annoying though - had I aced the interview, I could have kept my philosophical attitude towards the job. Now it's really bugging me, especially because I know I could do the job easily - but I don't think that came across at all in the interview.

Banned Books Week

Next week is Banned Books Week and the student chapter of the ALA is sponsoring a read-out on Wednesday to read from books that have been banned from libraries for some reason or other. We'll each read aloud for ~10 minutes from a book that's been banned so I've been looking over the list of books on the ALA site, trying to choose the one I want.  Check out the top 100 for the last decade (2000-2009). It's practically a who's who of all the great authors. Sure, there are some I thought would be there: Harry Potter with its controversial magic themes and the young adult books with concepts that are just a bit too realistic. Those are the ones I was expecting for the recent lists. But mingled in are some of the true classics - authors like Steinbeck & Harper Lee.  And does Judy Blume's Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret really warrant a banning?

OK, so I get it when people don't think the material fits the age group. Like Neil Gaiman's Graveyard Book. One of my favorite authors and an excellent book but I can imagine it is too scary for some kids to handle, especially young kids. I don't believe banning the books is the answer but at least I get why people do it.

But to ban books because people are afraid of the ideas they contain - that I don't get at all. How can we grow unless we're exposed to new ideas and forced to stretch?

One more reason I'm glad I chose to follow my dream of being a librarian! It looks like the real difficulty is going to be narrowing it down to just one book.

ok, that was bizarre

I was walking the dogs this morning and had just reached the entrance to the Upper Tampa Bay Trail when I noticed a body lying up ahead on the trail. There was a bike lying on the ground nearby so my first thought was that someone had had an accident. As I got closer, I realized that it was 2 bodies, neither of them moving, so by then I was really getting freaked out thinking that they'd been murdered and really dreading what I might see. Luckily about then one of them moved and I finally got close enough to see that it was a couple who had apparently decided that the middle of the bike path was a great place to stop for a nap. They seemed fine...and not at all inclined to get up so I just said "Good Morning" and went on.

People are definitely strange...and I'm glad I didn't have to report a murder this morning!

full-time student: a progress report

One of the biggest things I have been looking forward to with the new, simpler, stress-free me is having more time. Once I no longer had to commit 10-12 hours of my day getting ready, driving to work, working, rushing through the grocery store, etc., I would have so much time, i wouldn't know what to do with myself. Yes, I would simultaneously be taking a full load of classes but that shouldn't be a problem. I would just substitute working on that during the times when I would normally be in school.

So far, I'm still waiting for that shangri-la to come to fruition! Don't get me wrong - I absolutely love being able to get up when I'm ready (the time has fluctuated between 6am - 9am, depending on how late I was up the night before) and having time to take the dogs for walks and to the park. I am also still playing catch-up to a certain extent for the first few weeks when the beginning of school coincided with my extended family all coming to my place for a reunion that lasted a full 2 weeks for some members. So maybe I am speaking too soon but I've noticed this trend before.

No matter how much time you have, stuff comes along and fills it up.

Eventually (once that "catch up" all happens) maybe I will have everything done by 5 each night and be able to take the dogs to the dog park without the uneasy feeling that there is more work that should really be done today....or maybe I'm devoting too much time to my studies. I'm sure most people are not doing all the reading + taking notes + creating blog entries for each. (From what I can tell, some of them haven't even cracked a book yet!) But one of the main reasons I wanted to do it this way - quit the full-time job, etc - is so that I could really immerse myself fully, sucking every drop of learning I could get out of the experience.

In that respect, the experiment thus far has been a resounding success. I feel like I understand the material fully and it has been absolute heaven to be able to go to the park to do some reading or type a paper while sitting outside at the picnic table.  So maybe I'll never be the type of person who can turn off the "should've" script in my head, life is pretty darn good right now.

New Butterfly!

This Gulf Fritillary held still...but the picture is still blurry!

The insect population in my yard was buzzing this morning with the news that the jasmine bushes are all in bloom, which was a nice surprise since yesterday they were mostly just buds. So I just took some time to enjoy the heavenly smell and observe all the activity going on. It's amazing just how many creatures that I can see with the naked eye are partaking of just one bush. Just while I stood there I saw a lizard, 2 Gulf Fritillary, 1 Giant Swallowtail, 2 new butterflies and 1 very fat bumblebee. And that's just the ones I could actually see! I wish I had the kind of camera that would capture them. Their size and speed, unfortunately, just result in blurry pictures - even when they sit still for me. (The picture at left was taken very early in the am when the butterfly was still sleeping/warming up for the day.)

Online image of a Long-tailed Skipper Butterfly

For a while I kept a journal of the butterflies I saw in my yard but after a bit, I was only ever writing down one name: Gulf Fritillary (I can find them in the yard, it seems, anytime I go out.) I've seen the Eastern Tiger, Zebra and Giant (which I mistook at first for a bird it's so large) and the Florida Sulpher at various times but after identifying those, I kept seeing the same types. So I was excited this morning to spot a new type: a Long-tailed Skipper. I would have thought it was a moth due to the monochromatic wings but after observing it more closely, I realized the body was not fuzzy like a moth and that no self-respecting moth would be so active with the sun blazing down on it. I narrowed it down to one of the skippers based on the shape of it's wings (plus its erratic, "bouncy" flight) and finally identified it after looking at actual pictures online. (The drawings in my guide can be somewhat misleading on wing patterns & actual coloring.)

I still have not been able to lure a White Peacock here and my attempts to attract Monarchs with milkweed plantings have all ended in failure (e.g., plant is destroyed by the caterpillars but the butterflies don't stick around afterwards). Speaking of plant destruction, something is making a go at eating my bouganvillea that I can't find other than the evidence of the huge holes in the leaves. I suspect grasshoppers or maybe snails.  On the plus side, the orchid and passion flower both seem to have recovered from their recent bouts of serving as dinner for someone. The orchid is actually blooming again already. Hopefully the bougainvillea is as lucky.

countdown to full-time student: 10 days

I spent the day yesterday over at USF for orientation (yes, an entire day - from 9 in the morning until 5:30 - let me tell you that that is a *very* long day of a lot of repeated information.) The afternoon session was for the Lib Sci program and it was good to meet the professors and get a better feel for the people I've been emailing & talking to via phone. The student organizations seem to be very active which is also good since I've been worried about too much alone time with so much of the program online. Brown bag lunches every Wednesday and all kinds of things to do scheduled from sporting events to canoeing trips to museums.

As a result of all I learned, I came home and completely reorganized my classes for fall, switching to get another core class under my belt and signing up for one that looks like it will be challenging but very rewarding: Human Rights Librarianship. I just looked through the syllabus and the class requires participating in one of the local human rights groups and submitting a paper to one of the major publications as a large part of the grade. Which is very cool since the work will be done for something real and not just another paper that lives only on my hard drive but also makes me feel a bit intimidated.

It's certainly going to make the first few weeks challenging as there is a lot of reading and interaction required even in the first two weeks and my house will be filled up with 8-9 people (!) but hopefully I can work ahead a bit since she has everything online already.

Only a few more days of work now to go! I can't believe how much I'm looking forward to the start of a new school year ;)

happiness and health and well-being

I went back to see the holistic doctor on Thursday without much optimism. I debated cancelling the appointment altogether but I was curious to find out the results of the tests he'd ordered (blood work, saliva testing, the works). I assumed the visit would center around the gyn. issues that were behind my initial visit only to discover that everything apparently stems from the way that I handle (or rather mis-handle) stress. Technically this has resulted in Low free-T4/thyroid, low B12 and low progesterone plus cortisol and DHEA levels that were all over the place. The doctor talked through everything but I just couldn't quite take it all in at first. He gave me handouts with information and prescribed several things and sent me on my way.

Over the next few days, I spent time researching and discovered that I have a fairly typical case of adrenal fatigue which is basically what happens when you take a system designed for responses to immediate, life-threatening conditions (e.g., Fire! Large animal attacking me!) and keeping it turned on for months and years on end. As I began to learn more and reflect, I realized that though the recent stresses at work exacerbated things, I have not managed stress well for a very long time.

So I picked up one of the recommended books (The Core Balance Diet by Marcelle Pick and Genevieve Morgan from the Women to Women clinic) and began following the recommended plan for adrenal fatigue by and even in just these few intervening days, I've been absolutely amazed by the results. The food recommendations are more or less basic good health sense – lean proteins with every meal, complex carbs, lots of greens and no sugar, caffeine or processed foods among other things – on a *very* regular basis (every time I even start to think about being hungry, it's time for another meal). But the book is so much more than just a diet plan. Not only do they recommend the meals you should eat but the schedule your day should follow (which includes breaks for tea and “deep breathing”) and there’s a whole section on the mental wellness which includes a strict rule of no multitasking – including (and this is a toughy for me) no eating and doing other things like watching TV, reading, etc. That restriction really made the problems with my current lifestyle so apparent. I could not stop the mental worry list, jumping from one thing to the next and thinking about how I was going to fit in everything I still needed to do that day.

The first full day I felt slightly ill but by Monday, my body started to adapt to the new food and new routine. For the first month, you are supposed to turn off all electronics by 7:00pm and start winding down to prepare your body for the 9:00 bedtime – every night! It seems so impossible to do but it’s actually helped me prioritize and let go of some things. Luc The most amazing part is that it seems to be working! I’ve always been notorious for “never sleeping” and even when I do sleep, it is very lightly with frequent waking but since starting this, I’ve been sleeping 9 hours a night straight through. It’s staggering to realize how closely physical and mental well-being are connected.

We’ll see how things go since I haven’t even completed a full week yet but I'm hopeful that the 6-wk follow up visit will be a completely different story.

responsibility

He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it. - Martin Luther King, Jr. 

I really need to be working on Paper 3 (due Monday...after Paper 2 was due last night - ack!) but had to get out my...annoyance over the drama that went on at work yesterday. It was such a complete fiasco - to the point of being a farce if it weren't for the people being affected by it. Knowing that I am on the way out helps give me some detachment but I am conflicted as to the best way to help. I feel that I have a responsibility to do something, but what?

It really has been ridiculous. First M. has been "training" the new guy, A.,  for the last few weeks. She apparently decided early on that he was not going to be able to get it, making it obvious from the get go in the way she talked down to him. It bothered everyone in our area because it was just so horrible to have to watch & hear the way she would publicly humiliate him all the time (Great training technique, btw).  So that had been building over the last few weeks and then yesterday it all blew up. Apparently she & D. were working to prove to HR that it was not going to work out so they were collecting data every time he didn't get something. Then they apparently staged a set up yesterday which culminated in M. running down the hall screaming  that she was going to HR because A. was a liar.  Exit M for her weekend mini-vacation. He (A.) then comes back to his desk and proceeds to tell us his side of the story, also getting visibly upset and practically shouting by the end of the story. Apparently emotions run high in the world of writing code.

He sat there a while and then announced that he was going to HR, saying goodbye to everyone. Exit A., apparently for good. It was so absurd all of it and so extremely unprofessional. I think the part that upset me most (on top of really screwing up that guy's life, at least temporarily) was finding out how gleefully M. had viewed her part in it all. She apparently had done the same thing with Joe, recounting to someone else in the office how she had gotten rid of Joe by scouring his code for errors and documenting every little thing. It's so messed up - esp. considering how she always talked him up to me and pretended like it was all out of her control.

I said as much to Joe and he was, of course, not really surprised. I honestly can't believe he held out for as long as he did, considering the way she treated him. He said his primary goal those last few weeks was to avoid doing anything, even by way of a facial expression, that would trigger her b/c she would explode at him at the slightest provocation. At least he did talk to HR in his exit interview. One would hope that eventually the mounting evidence will compel them to do something about this mess because surely this cannot be what they want to have happening.


So why then do they keep letting this kind of thing go on? This is just one example of the kind of unprofessional behavior that seems to run amok there, at least in our department.  It's extremely detrimental to everyone's work and I know that several of the newer people have been completely disillusioned by the events of the past few weeks and are already considering other job opportunities. People keep telling me that this is just the way things are in the cut-throat corporate environment but it makes no sense to me.  How can that really be more effective than an environment where people are enthusiastic about their work and working together on projects, instead of spending all their time focused on survival. 


So back to my dilemma: what can and should I be doing? I was planning, certainly, on saying something at my exit interview but in the meantime it seems as though something should be done now. We have a "focus group" on why employee morale in our area has been declining on Tuesday; however, it will be somewhat difficult to address there as two of the primary problems are part of that group. But then isn't that what we criticize people living under the Third Reich for doing? If I know the problem exists and that the people who have a responsibility to address it may not be aware, isn't it my responsibility to say something -- even if I don't think it will affect anything?

School Days

I have spent the last two days back in school and it has made it all much more real. The sensations of being on a campus – denuded as it is during the summer term, the buzz of activity, class discussions, and even the hassles of getting my student ID all contributed to the feeling of happiness that pervaded my being. Perhaps I should have pursued a career in teaching college – not because I enjoy teaching but just because I do love school.

Boy has school changed though! I was amazed to find I did not need my laptop at all: every desk (in both the classroom and the library) comes complete with a workstation. I found that I could access everything I have at home including my notes on OneNote.  (If only I had known before lugging the 200lb laptop – I swear the thing was adding pounds by the second – around with me on the aforesaid student ID quest!) Online access made it easy to work along with the professor when she explained how to research certain concepts. I am finding it hard to imagine how they taught the class prior to the advent of ubiquitous computing. It is so much easier to learn when you can do it for yourself.

It was nice though to be able to get the in-class experiences of class discussion, making new friends and interacting with the professor. I was a little concerned that the past few years experience would have made me shy to speak up in class but I am, apparently, still as opinionated and vocal as ever.

Taking the Plunge

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain

I have finally taken the plunge and given notice to my boss. I had a particularly difficult meeting Wednesday (the tortuous two-hour meeting we have *every* Wednesday for reasons no one seems quite able to explain) that ended in an evening of tears and frantic calculating and re-calculating my budget to see if I could survive if I were to give my 2 weeks notice this week. It frustrates me that this person can intimidate me to the point that my mind goes blank.

So my stomach gave a flip when the first thing I saw Thursday morning when I logged in was a one-on-one meeting my boss had set up for the afternoon. I spent the day plotting what I do, ranging from giving notice on the spot to trying to hold out until the end of summer. At first, I thought the latter plan was going to work since he started off by apologizing for not coming to my defense and legitimately wanted to talk through ideas and suggestions. Then we started talking about my goals - the whole where do I see myself here conversation and the ensuing dread I felt made me decide to take the plunge once and for all.

It actually went better than I expected. He seemed genuinely happy for me and even offered to connect me up to a friend of his who works in UNC's library program (which would be such a dream job - esp in the history dept!) I think. Since ideally there would be overlap between me and the next person (or people - since he told me today that he's thinking of restructuring my job into 2-3 jobs!), he also was nice enough to work with HR to make sure that I am guaranteed my job through Aug 20th. 

The funniest part is that I already feel differently about the job. I had a meeting involving the Dreaded VP this afternoon and had no problem speaking up. I felt curiously outside of the process, observing his effect on everyone else in the room and suddenly realizing that he's not as smart as he someone manages to convince the rest of us he is. I don't know how he does it but today listening to him without the usual frantic mental dialog of trying to anticipate where he was going to go, I really heard how repetitious and...unimaginative he actually is. Not that this changes my mind about anything but, still, it seemed revelatory somehow. 

I still feel like I need to say something to HR about all this but think, in light of the circumstances, it probably makes sense to wait until my end date is closer. It's weird though how much mood affects interaction with others. I feel so much...lighter. I went to the store this afternoon and was amazed at how many people smiled at me, made small talk, etc. Maybe that happens all the time and I don't notice but I swear it had something to do with the relief I am feeling (and probably the huge grin pasted on my face!)

ah, the dreaded syllabus

What is it about that sheet of paper (or in this case about 10 sheets of paper!) that is so intimidating? I am looking over the course materials for the class I am taking this summer (Basic Information Sources and Services) and discovered that  (1) I have an assignment due already next week and (2) it is just as overwhelming as I remember.  I know it's just a matter of getting back into the rhythm of school - papers and reading massive amounts of information and scheduling, scheduling, scheduling. Just take a deep breath and take it one step at a time.

OK so looking it over again, it's not so bad. The grading seems to be divided fairly between a series of research projects, a couple of online quizzes, in-class exercises and a paper. I like that my entire grade won't rest on one single thing. And I also like that with this course, I will get a taste of both online learning (which seems to make up a significant part of the degree) and being in class. 

Still, I am glad that I have only the one class. The professor has included in the syllabus a warning that the class is "intensive" and will require a commitment of at least 15 hours a week! I think I may need to re-think my somewhat ambitious plans to complete a degree in a year...

It's good to be back!

Reunion Dread

My best friend growing up has had a concerted campaign ongoing for us to go to our 20-yr high school reunion for years. As the event looms this summer, she has stepped up the campaigning considerably, pulling out all the stops and using every method at her disposal, including that most effective of tools - guilt. (Luckily, I am getting better at ignoring this feeling, thanks to years of guilt therapy from my parents!)

When we last spoke earlier this week, I somewhat half-heartedly said that maybe I would consider going for a little while and since that time, I have been having nightmares and waking up in a cold sweat. It is unreal how anxiety-inducing just the thought of revisiting that time in my life is. I am afraid of revisiting all the awkward and awful memories: all the insecurities of being made fun of for my un-stylish clothing and hair, for talking too much, for not fitting in. From what I have seen via Facebook, I still do not fit in. They all appear to be politically conservative, married and obsessed with the various things their kids are doing. The thoughts of spending an evening making small-talk sounds like torture - and that's even without the aforementioned bad memories.

Maybe going back now that I understand who I am a little better than I did then would be good for me:  face down the demons and move on. Right now it sure doesn't feel like it though.

mulberries!

(This is from Monday night. For some reason, I couldn't get any pictures to upload then.)

Two years ago I planted this tiny mulberry tree, bravely sporting two mulberries and about 5 leaves. That was in the spring of 2008. In the meantime, it grew & grew but I almost forgot that someday it would have fruit until I was mowing the lawn a few weeks ago and noticed hundreds of green fuzzy things that looked like the beginnings of berries. As I was on my way into the house last night after work I thought the I should check up on the. Good thing I did as a good number of them were already ripe and some had already started to fall onto the ground!

I think I must have eaten 100 or so just standing there last night. I forgot how so very good they are. If you've never had one, they are a little similar to blackberries when they are sweet but with a slightly different tang. I cannot believe a tree this size has so many berries though. They cover the tree from top to bottom (even down inches from the ground) and luckily the birds don't seem to have found them as of yet. I'm not sure what I'll do when this tree reaches full size but in the meantime, I'm hoping I will have enough to at least make a pie. Yummy, yummy.

The 20/10 Test

One of the exercises for "meaning" in Pink's A Whole New Mind is asking yourself the question if I had $20 million and/or 10 years to live, would I continue doing what I am doing today? It's an interesting question. I'd been thinking with the whole cancer scare of how i would change my life if I found out the test was positive - what things I would do differently. Would I move to be closer to family? Would I drop everything and travel around the world? Would I quit my job? Maybe I should keep it for the health insurance? and on and on.

Ten years, though, is long enough that it takes away some of the devil-may-care attitude that creeps in with a shorter time frame. After all, if I ran up a huge credit card bill before I died in 6 mos, would it really matter? But ten years is another story entirely. The stress of racking up huge amounts of debt would certainly outweigh the advantages. I don't think I'll be running off to the ends of the earth anytime soon.

Ten years would be plenty of time to pursue another career. I think I have decided on the Master of Library Science.  I am waiting on the arrival of a few books I found on the field and career and I have sent an email off to the MLS program at USF. Then I plan to take the introductory course this summer and perhaps another in the fall to decide for sure before jumping in with both feet.

And I do plan to jump in full-steam. Scary as that feels, the one thing I've always regretted about my experiences at American was that because I was always juggling school with working full-time, I never felt like I got the full school experience. Work was my priority and school was more of a sideline entertainment in many respects as a result.  (I often wonder how different my life would've been in that case - I would certainly have been much more connected in with my classmates and more likely to have pursued full-time work in that field, I think.)  Instead I can focus on classes and finish much faster. Plus by January, I should have all my extraneous debt paid off except for mortgage (and school which I could defer while in school). I think I can manage mortgage and living expenses with something part-time.

So all of this - actually having an end in sight - and not just an end but an end that I really want - has put me in a much happier frame of mind. Plus I recently moved from my office (I will post that story here soon; life in the trailer is never boring) to one of the cubes - which sounds like a change for the worse but really isn't! The office is small, cramped and somewhat isolated while the cube is wide open with windows that open and lots of light - plus I get so much more interaction with people.  It's been so amazing what a difference that change has made - I am actually looking forward to going to work! I feel like myself again and it seems like years since I can remember feeling this way.

old office


new "cube"

It reminds me of a few years ago when Mom & I were talking and realized what a difference low-blood sugar can have on your whole outlook on life. It seems silly that such a small, physical factor like whether you've eaten lately or been sitting in a small, dark office could affect mood to such a big extent but I am convinced that it is truly a factor. It makes me wonder just how many things we think are these epic psychological problems might really just be some mundane thing like whether you're getting enough exercise or the right kind of food.

NOTE TO SELF

If ever scheduled to be on Court TV, make sure to touch up roots.

I just caught a few minutes of divorce court on in the break room and I couldn't tear my eyes away, mostly because the woman had roots that were about 2" long...but not in a trendy way.  Do they not know beforehand that they will be on TV? Even if you didn't know that, wouldn't you want to look good before seeing your soon-to-be-ex anyway? Maybe this was all part of her plan to look pitiful - I didn't stick around long enough to get the story.

Careers

After (or occasionally instead of) sleep, work occupies the most significant portion of my day. From 9:00 in the morning until 6 or 7 at night, I spend five days out of every seven at work. Not only does it occupy the time I actually spend at work, there is also the time spent commuting back and forth (at minimum another hour per day) plus the "recovery time" necessary each night.  The only time I feel is my own is the two precious days each weekend and I have become a miser, jealously guarding each moment of free time, even to the exclusion of time I could be spending with beloved friends and family.

So a while back I began exploring other jobs, thinking that perhaps this was all just the immediate unhappiness caused by the current work environment. But after talking with recruiters and exploring available marketing jobs out there, it has become evident to me that I do not want to work in marketing. Friends have suggested marketing in another sector - such as for a cause I believe in - but despite the fact that my experience fits me for a job in marketing, the thought of spending more time thinking of analyzing markets and figuring out how best to manipulate others into certain behaviors just does not appeal.

Which leaves me back at square one. What do I then want to do with my life? Is there some career that will engage my interest for more than a few years? That will leave me at the end of the day feeling fulfilled? Do I even have the right to expect that from work? Is this just some 21st century quandary without basis? After all, how many thousands of years did people do what their parents did before them with the sole goal of providing food & shelter for themselves and their families?

Last weekend I spent a good deal of time listening to two different lecture series that I had downloaded via audible: one on the anglo-saxon era of English history and the other on fantasy literature. Combined with my recent exploration of the anthropology of religion as well as forays into how the brain works, I came to the realization that the one consistent thing I love most - that I never tire of - is learning. Sometimes I don't even think it matters what - which is how I keep ending up in jobs and careers that seem to have no connection to each other or to my skills. I am forever attracted to learning about something I did not know before. Unfortunately, with most things the drawback is that with most things I feel as though I come to the end of them  and want to move on.

I am currently infatuated with the notion of going back to school. History and Literature are the two subjects I find most intriguing but even there, I have trouble imagining confining myself to a specific slice of them to specialize in if I am to make a career from either. Or maybe a degree in library science is the way to go. That would encompass books, learning and literature in addition to my love of organization and looking things up! Not to mention that USF has a good program - most of which is online - so I could try it out without making too drastic of a switch. I really think that might be the right place to start. I could take the initial course this summer and see where it leads.