GRRLZ RULE!!

My final score from the final championship game for the HSN CRM Fantasy Football league! I'd like to point out that the two people who were vying for 1 & 2 are both GIRLS...who were originally *NOT* invited to play in aforesaid league (and now I guess we know why ). Whooooo Hoooo!!!

Roxy & Romeo

Well, the honeymoon ended somewhere about midday on Sunday, about the time that Roxy realized, I think, that Romeo was here "for good" and not just a playmate over for a visit. She spent most of the time since then studiously ignoring him with occasional tiffs anytime I returned to the house. I don't think we're out of the woods yet but they did play together well this morning which I thought was a good sign.

yes...i am certifiable

So I'd been thinking of getting a 2nd dog for quite some time (years, in fact, since Shadow always seemed to miss her "buddies" from across the hall after we moved to FL -- but by that point, I thought she'd have a tough time adjusting. In any respect, I'd talked to Kathy about it and so on Monday, I got an email forwarded from a friend of years about a young german shepherd male in need of a home. It took all of about 5 minutes in reality to decide although I decided I needed to wait on the potential layoff before making any kind of permanent move. So I called Kathy's friend this morning (she was fostering the dog at her place), took Roxy down to meet him this afternoon and brought him home with us!

So far, the dogs are getting along great! The only drawback is that his name is Rocky which I think is just waaay too close to Roxy for them to differentiate so I'm planning to name him something else...but what? Before I saw him, I'd wanted Apollo or maybe Romeo. I'd almost like to do Cyrano to go along with Roxy but not sure how that shortens up. It certainly fits so far. It's pretty comical - Roxy follows me everywhere and he follows her. As for personality, he is so laid back that to compare the 2 is like night & day. I'm hoping that he'll help calm her down - at least should help her separation anxiety a bit. Maybe I'll stick with Romeo after all.

Anyway, here he is:


And here's a shot of the two of them (soon I'll get one of them really playing - it's so fun to watch!):

dodging bullets

Well, the layoff rumor was true. Thankfully, our dept did everything first thing this morning so we had the postmortem meeting fairly early. (My group gets 2 more programs to manage - joy!) We lost 3 people + 2 open positions. Total for the company: 106. Now I feel relieved...and guilty to feel relieved... Pounding headache hasn't gone away yet but some of the knots in my stomach have loosened a bit.

i hate to wait

Even when it's not something all that great! Rumor is that tomorrow is the big day - layoffs. Ugh. In some ways, I almost wish it *would* just happen since then at least it would be done. Of course, then, it would mean looking for something new which would mean a whole new set of stresses... So 'til tomorrow for the update on that.

In the meantime, here's the hat I made for James. I think it turned out much better knitting in the round rather than the way I did Lilly's. Thinking of going back & doing that one over...especially now that I found a pattern I like. Hopefully it's not too big for him!

*

fountains at the Bellagio & Paris in background

Latest Project
Knitting caps (and if I can manage them, mittens) for the kids for xmas! Thought the first one turned out pretty well and it was easy & quick (only 2 evenings to make)
Roxy Update
She's settling in quite nicely -- It's hard to believe she hasn't always been here. And we've (finally) gotten into a routine that works for both of us: playtime for about 1/2 hr at a nearby park in the morning and then a long walk at night. Unfortunately, the dog park has been deserted (and creepy) at night since the time change so for the moment that is a treat reserved for weekends only. I'm planning to get her into agility with the next course opening. I think she'll really enjoy it - she really seems to love what we've done so far with Kathy and it's just so FUN to see how happy and proud of herself she is after she's figured out the tunnel or balance beam. I wish I had pictures of that but until then, this is her, hoping I'll get around to throwing the ball someday:


and a rare sleepy moment:

Vegas Trip
It was brought to my attention (thanks, Mom) that I have neglected to post regarding some things of significance that have occurred of late, namely . (I always used to find this was true for personal journals, as well - when things are going on, I don't have time and when they aren't, there's not much interesting to write about!) So here are some pictures from my recent trip with the girls to Vegas:

Becky, Tina & me

Amy & Tina

King

Finally, I have to show this funny dog that invariably meets Roxy & I are our evening walks. (There seem to be quite a few people in my neighborhood that firmly believe dogs should be allowed to roam free!) He's part German Shepherd which you can see in his face & long body but the rest is up for grabs. I couldn't get a good picture (holding a camera phone and a leash while 2 dogs are trying to play is...difficult! Unfortunately, the only time they stand still is when they're going through the sniffing ritual) but you can kind of get the gist.

*I am taking a page from Kristi's book and renouncing titles. I always end up wasting time trying to think up of clever ones (which aren't!)

With all the uncertainties going on these days, I've been feeling unsettled (to say the least!) about my financial future. I've been doing OK at my plan to be wiser about spending, following a budget, etc but what with the looming specter of layoffs in combination with the dismal markets (both stock & housing), it seems like every time I look at my overall net worth, I'm worse off than I was before! This has been nagging at me for some time, making me feel guilty every time I've spent money (and certainly not helped by a long-awaited trip with girlfriends to Las Vegas at the end of October!) Last night I finally decided to look at where I am, re-group and come up with a PLAN. (I am more addicted to 5-yr plans than any Soviet bureaucrat and about as successful :P)

First step was to look around online for ideas & advice. Came across an interesting book called The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. Nothing earth-shattering about his guidelines (and from some of the excerpts I saw, the writing style seems a little annoying) but joy of all joys, he has my other favorite thing: a LIST. (Like plans, I find "to-do" lists irresistible.) Here they are, in the order he espouses:

(1) Establish a starter $1k emergency fund

A couple of years ago, I set up an automatic investment into a couple of mutual funds so *technically* this could be considered done - although I am reluctant to even try to tap into it right now since it's worth only about 1/2 of the initial investment. I think I may just start from scratch and keep my fingers crossed that the market recovers at some point. I did cancel the automatic investment for both and set up a savings account with SmartyPig both to retain the "automatic" and "not easily raided" features which prevented me from using the money elsewhere! Plus, they have this cool feature where you can make your goal public so you can see how I'm doing.

Of course, the trickiest part of this first step for me is that you have to use cash only (or debit card - money must be available before it can be spent). I am good at this 95% of the time -- EXCEPT that I always feel like I need to carry around a credit card "for emergencies"...and then have non-emergency emergencies all the time. It's particularly hard for me to turn down lunch out at work or good deals. For the lunch thing, I think I just need to find non-spending alternatives to getting off campus and taking a social break from working. This is not particularly easy since all my friends go out for lunch every day...temptation is always around!

(2) Pay off all debts, excluding mortgage.

Ramsey recommends starting with your lowest balance debt first for the psychological benefit of seeing faster results, then add the money to the next one on your list. He also recommends using every available extra penny - to the extreme of not even spending money on retirement - nothing - until debts are completely gone. As you complete each step, the idea is to take the money you were allocating to that goal and apply it to the next to really accelerate your progress.

(3) Save 3-6 mos income for a real emergency fund.

(4) Invest 15% of your income for retirement.

(5) Save for college - hey! an easy one! :)

(6) Pay off mortgage

(7) Build wealth

There you go. Nothing too novel or complicated but like I said, it somehow seems easier to think of as a to-do list than my other approach of trying to just "be better" without any clear plan. Of course, the most difficult part of this will be starting this NOW just before the holidays (notoriously my worst time of year for spending $$). Kind of like starting a diet just before Thanksgiving. Oh well. Wish me luck!

fantastic feats

OK, first off - here's a picture of Roxy & me, as requested by my mother. Let me tell you that I now realize why I don't have any pictures of Shadow & I from when she was younger. Getting an easily-distracted dog to sit for a picture is one thing...trying to do a self-picture (and also use the ball as bait - yes, that's the ball she's looking at so adoringly, not me!)...well, I considered myself lucky to have us both even *in* the shot.

Other accomplishments for the weekend include:

• Converted my pc back to windows ~ Much as I hate admitting defeat, I must admit it's a relief to have everything *work* again without downloading random things and researching just about every tiny change. Luckily converting back was not as difficult as the switch over - and (now that it's over), I'm glad to know a little more about how linux works and open source software.
  

• Had a guest over ~I've started socializing Roxy a bit. Had success with visiting Becky the other week so on Friday Kristi graciously came over to see how Roxy did with visitors to the house. I had no idea how she would react so I scrupulously followed the advice from Patricia McConnell (an animal behaviorist who has written a number of *excellent* books on dog training). Seemed to work really well and by the end Roxy was snuggling up on the couch as we watched a movie.

• Avoided a bobcat encounter ~ Walking with Roxy at the Upper Tampa Bay Park on one of the nature trails (ironically, not the "bobcat trail" which is another option there), I first smelled the distinctive odor of cat marking which I thought at the time was odd so far away from houses. Then about 50 yards further down the path, we rounded a bend and something growled at us. (It sounded like "bobcat growl 5" if you want to hear it.) Funnily enough, Roxy didn't pay any attention but it made my neck prickle so I quickly turned around back the way we came. It continued to growl until we were quite some distance back. I still couldn't quite believe it but then later came across one of the rangers who said there are actually 3 of them that they see back in that area and that most likely the cat was just warning us away from a fresh kill. That park never fails to amaze me -- so amazingly wild and yet right off busy Hillsborough Ave.
  

better than wii fit

Aside from the expected benefits of getting a dog (companionship, etc), the introduction of Roxy into my life is doing wonders for my fitness level as well. Since we're still in the "getting-to-know-each-other" phase and I'm not sure how she will behave around other people or dogs, I haven't taken her to a dog park for the best exercise around - playing with other dogs. So we have been walking & walking & walking (and walking & walking...). At least an hour in the morning and around 2 hrs at night seems to do the trick. Side benefits include exploring all the area parks & the Upper Tampa Bay Trail, as well as my own neighborhood and I've had the best sleep I've had in years I think.


Here she is after this morning's walk. This was *supposed* to be a picture, btw, of her passed out next to me on the floor but of course as soon as I moved, she was up & ready to go some more!

Roxy

This is Roxy, a German Shepherd rescue, who I picked up from a kennel down in Ft. Myers today. She's about 4 yrs old and has had a confusing few weeks of it lately. Her previous owner returned to England and left her with some co-workers who eventually turned her over to the Tampa GSD Rescue group. So far everything has gone swimmingly. This is a dog who *really* loves to play ball and play with the water hose (thanks to a tip from her foster mom on that one...I don't think I've ever laughed so hard!) and she is so very loving.

I had trouble sleeping last night...mostly because I am more than a little excited about the prospect of *maybe* getting a new dog soon. Aside from the expected emptiness of missing Shadow, it's just been really odd not having a dog in the house. For a while I thought that maybe it was better to just get used to it this way; to take advantage of the opportunity of more free time, free cash, etc. But I think that it's had almost the opposite effect.

Yes, I am free to go straight from work to hang out with friends and that has been very nice. And it's not so much hassle to contemplate traveling when it doesn't involve kennels and accommodations. But on the other hand, I miss that companionship and the excuse to go for hikes and to parks and to make daytrips. I realize all of this can be done sans dog...but a dog along makes it more somehow.

Plus, to be honest, I miss the sense of security having a dog brings. Just a few minutes ago (around 10:30), a guy from TECO knocked on my door because of some power issue going on in the neighborhood. (This is the result of Verizon digging the block up for FIOS installation...leaving me with a bunch of dirt in my front yard & some sad little strips of sod that they put in.) I'm so used to having a dog barking or otherwise obviously in attendance that at first I didn't think much of it....but then freaked myself out a bit. It turned out to be completely fine...but made me realize again how much I miss a dog around!

So now I am seriously contemplating a German Shepherd rescue and weighing the pros [dogs tend to be a little older, housebroken and even trained] vs. the cons [they tend to come with some kind of baggage related to their previous lives or recent abandonment]. I've been see-sawing back & forth on this for the past few days, particularly now that there is a real possibility looming. (I'm planning to look at one on my way back from West Palm on Monday...but I can't think too much about it or then I *really* won't be sleeping tonight!)

arts & craftiness

Taking a break from the throw for a bit. I'm about halfway on it and to the point where I feel like I could do the pattern in my sleep...and when I was getting more yarn for that, I found this yarn that I really loved. At first I intended to work it into the throw but although the yarns go nicely, after working up a square, it looked...strange. Coincidentally, my friend Kristi recently sent me a cool pattern so it seemed fated that i should try it out.

The scarf I'm making only vaguely resembles the one shown in the pattern, probably because I am using both the wrong weight of yarn and the wrong size needle AND I'm pretty sure I'm not doing one of the stitches correctly but it is a fun pattern to work. The biggest challenge is keeping track of the stitches so that the rows line up. I've had to rip out rows at a time several times already just to keep on track.

The past few weeks I've been struggling with a very hard decision. Shadow will be turning 13 on Monday. She's had arthritis in varying degrees for the last several years so this is not unexpected...but no matter how much I think I'm prepared for something like this, I am most decidedly NOT. It all started when she went to the groomers a few weeks ago and they couldn't finish because she was having too much trouble standing up. So I took her to the vet & got her started on an etogesic program to help alleviate some of the pain. The worst part has been that in every other aspect, she has not changed a bit - she still wants the frisbee thrown at every opportunity, she struggles to come out to greet me every night when I get home - which has made it that much harder to come to this decision.

At first the etogesic seemed to be helping a bit but I am wondering now if it has not made things worse. Most likely the pain was keeping her from doing too much. The last few days she seems to have been deteriorating rapidly in terms of her ability to walk and since last night, she doesn't seem to be able to put weight onto her hind legs at all. She still insists on moving around - following me from room to room but it is heart-wrenching to watch as she ends up crawling & dragging herself around. I have found a vet that makes housecalls so that she can go without the stress of a vet visit.

so very hard to say goodbye

The past few weeks I've been struggling with a very hard decision. Shadow will be turning 13 on Monday. She's had arthritis in varying degrees for the last several years so this is not unexpected...but no matter how much I think I'm prepared for something like this, I am most decidedly NOT. It all started when she went to the groomers a few weeks ago and they couldn't finish because she was having too much trouble standing up. So I took her to the vet & got her started on an etogesic program to help alleviate some of the pain. The worst part has been that in every other aspect, she has not changed a bit - she still wants the frisbee thrown at every opportunity, she struggles to come out to greet me every night when I get home - which has made it that much harder to come to this decision.

At first the etogesic seemed to be helping a bit but I am wondering now if it has not made things worse. Most likely the pain was keeping her from doing too much. The last few days she seems to have been deteriorating rapidly in terms of her ability to walk and since last night, she doesn't seem to be able to put weight onto her hind legs at all. She still insists on moving around - following me from room to room but it is heart-wrenching to watch as she ends up crawling & dragging herself around. I have found a vet that makes housecalls so that she can go without the stress of a vet visit.

2 down...38 to go!

I've started a new project - a throw to replace the current, fast-unravelling one. I am most excited to be working on something that I will actually be keeping. I've realized that up to this point, I have made 8 blankets, 3 scarves and various other assorted things and not even a picture to show for it!
Since it's for the living room, I thought the navy would make a nice complement to the sofa (although with the small hook required, I am wishing that I had a slightly lighter yarn just to be able to see the stitches a little easier, particularly on those first few rounds). I chose this pattern because I like the "lacy" look...and the pineapples always remind me of my grandmother's afghans. (I'm not sure if she liked that pattern best or not, but we certainly had quite a few afghans growing up in that pattern.)

Speaking of pineapples, I think this last one that I planted may actually be "taking"!! It was hard to tell at first as the lower leaves dried up but I noticed today that there are new leaves growing up from the middle. Hurrah!

garden update

I know I've been quite remiss in updating this blog lately, what with a couple of more-than-usually stressful weeks at work but thought you'd like an update on the garden. For the most part, I am trying desperately to keep everything hanging on until we eventually (hopefully!) get some real rain! In the meantime, there are some notable exceptions.

For one, the bougainvillea seems to be thriving. I read recently that cilantro will flower & go to seed when water is scarce as a survival tactic. Makes me wonder if bougainvillea is the same? For whatever reason, it is absolutely breathtaking...
The other notable exception is the rain garden area. Not sure whether it's the result of the rainwater collection (doubtful since i've had only 2 rains in the last 2 mos. yes, that's right. 2x since the 4/6 posting...and none of them real Florida rain...just that teasing kind they have up north where you are *told* that it's raining but can walk out to your car only feeling 1 or 2 drops. Hardly worth even having a rain gutter!) or whether the plants are just better suited. Whatever it is, I need to find the secret and somehow spread it to the rest of the yard. It amazes me with its rich lushness, esp. when compared to the sandy, patchy, dried up grass next to it.

raw

[Warning: This post is not for the squeamish!]

So my latest venture into the world of the non-traditional (that is actually most traditional!) is something called raw feeding. I was somewhat primed for this by the last book I read (Omnivore's Dilemma) and its talk of species-appropriate diets (although it was referring to cows & chickens!). I had read or maybe just heard about the concept prior to that but between Shadow's almost incessant licking lately and the aforementioned book, I thought I'd do some investigation. Turns out to be quite a....robust topic of conversation online with several camps (of course) as to the *real* proper diet for dogs, ranging from the "food science" of kibble to the "prey model" (basically, feeding dogs diets similar to those of their closest wild relative, the gray wolf. Thankfully this does NOT involve having the dog actually kill the prey.)

The realization that Shadow's previous diet was the most processed food in my house, with an ingredient list to match (Chicken By-Product Meal (natural source of Chondroitin Sulfate and Glucosamine), Corn Meal, Ground Whole Grain Sorghum, Ground Whole Grain Barley, Chicken, Natural Chicken Flavor, Dried Beet Pulp (sugar removed), Chicken Fat (preserved with mixed Tocopherols, a source of Vitamin E), Fish Meal, Dried Egg Product, Brewers Dried Yeast, Potassium Chloride, Calcium Carbonate, Salt, Vitamins [Vitamin E Supplement, Beta-Carotene, Ascorbic Acid, Vitamin A Acetate, Calcium Pantothenate, Biotin, Vitamin B12 Supplement, Thiamine Mononitrate (source of Vitamin B1), Niacin, Riboflavin Supplement (source of Vitamin B2), Inositol, Pyridoxine Hydrochloride (source of Vitamin B6), Vitamin D3 Supplement, Folic Acid], Sodium Hexametaphosphate, Fructooligosaccharides, Fish Oil (preserved with mixed Tocopherols, a source of Vitamin E), Choline Chloride, Flax Meal, Minerals [Ferrous Sulfate, Zinc Oxide, Manganese Sulfate, Copper Sulfate, Manganous Oxide, Potassium Iodide, Cobalt Carbonate], Dried Chicken Cartilage (natural source of Chondroitin Sulfate and Glucosamine), DL-Methionine, Marigold, L-Carnitine, Rosemary Extract), helped solidify my decision. So I've started her off on whole chickens (by feeding the whole bird, you ensure the right dietary mix of meat, bone & organ meat) and plan to start working in fish 1x/wk and other meats. Thankfully Costco sells organic chickens for about $1/lb so it doesn't make that big of an impact on my diet...or my conscience...although eventually I'd like to get a deep freeze to be able to get more "ethical" meat by buying in bulk.

Here's a clip of her chowing down. I was pleasantly surprised to find that she confines herself to the towel and is for the most part, very clean about it. It's only been about a week but already I've noticed that her teeth are sparkling, she no longer has "doggie" breath, AND she's stopped licking herself (which makes me feel horrible since in all likelihood she's been allergic to something in the kibble all along).

For more on raw feeding, there are a couple of websites that seem to be most prominent:
http://rawfed.com/myths/index.html
http://www.rawlearning.com/
http://pets.groups.yahoo.com/group/rawfeeding/

ethical eating

A friend of mine jokes every time we go to a place like Chipotle where they advertise that their meat was raised humanely: "Yeah, right up until they kill it." I've been thinking about this concept quite a bit lately as I've been reading Michael Pollan's The Omnivore's Dilemma. In it he goes through 4 different food paths: (1) the predominant highly-processed & circuitous path that most food travels nowadays from the corn field to our stomachs, (2) commercialized organic, as represented by Whole Foods, etc, (3) local & more true-to-the-original-intent organic and finally (4) hunted/gathered.

Can't say there were any shocking revelations (having been friends with Audrey for well over a year now!), but it was difficult to get through the first section and its detailed descriptions of the unnatural living conditions (torture, really) that CAFO animals are put through. What is most infuriating is how industrialized agriculture has made food like this seem "normal" while cows & chickens raised in pastures are suddenly "organic" and have to be sought out with great difficulty & expense. I do wish that I had the resources (and personal...fortitude) to undertake creating something similar to the "grass farm" that Pollan describes up on the land in PA. Would be so ideal had I the wherewithal, both monetarily & mentally.

Just received this email from a friend from watermark and though I don't have time to really interact with it now I wanted to get it up here because it struck such a chord with me, not so much because it answered all (or even any) of my questions but just because of the tone of acceptance and understanding it contained. So here it is:

You know I hate it when religion becomes a burden to a person's faith. I have always considered not having been raised in a fundamentalist home a blessing, especially the more I understand the damage caused by toxic faith.[...]I do understand your crisis of faith. I have had people suggest that the best thing to do when facing such a dilemma is to take a vacation from church. Try not to feel judged, because I know your history in the C&MA and the long ties to the traditions of your family and denomination will probably dog you.

I don't think you're alone in your struggles either. I think the revolution taking place is a reflection of people with similar struggles and thoughts. Jesus was a Jew, He wasn't protestant or catholic and I have had those thoughts for years, since seminary in 1980. I at one point considered returning to catholicism. Let me just say, I love Jesus but hate what we have made of Him and the church. I don't have doubts about Him but for me my crisis was and is how can I reconcile the simple message of Jesus with the screwed up denominational rantings of fundamentalism and evangelicalism.

I have two people in my house church who won't call themselves Christians. I can't go that far, but I do understand their struggles. I asked one of them "would you follow Jesus if he walked in here now" and he said yes! So I advised him to just say I am a follower of Jesus and try to live by His teachings.

Look for Him everywhere and you will find Him.(green for earth day)

weeds?

This is an ode of sorts to weeds. They're pretty amazing when you think about it. They grow under the harshest of conditions, when the more elite & sophisticated plants turn up their noses, and they can have some of the most beautiful flowers around. I can vouch for the fact that the butterflies & bees that visit my yard certainly think so!

Over the last year or so, I've filled my backyard with all kinds of "butterfly attractant" flowers and yet, on any given morning, the plant they never fail to visit is the bidens alba, commonly known as "Beggar's-tick" (nice name, eh?) which currently proliferates in my backyard. Toby Hemenway in Gaia's Garden talks about how weeds are better than pretty much anything at deriving nutrition from the soil & air around them. It makes me wonder if the bugs can tell that...and if the nectar is somehow better from these plants? It would make sense since it would give them a definite advantage for propagation.

In any case, I'm keeping these real butterfly attractants around.

planting frenzy

As a result of yesterday's visit to Jene's Tropical Fruit, I went a little mad with the planting. I seem to be maxed out on the backyard; managed to fit in 2 blackberry bushes & some replacements really to the crop circles (feverfew & new jalapeño plant) but the oak roots are just too pervasive on the west side of the yard. (I think the only thing I can possibly add over there are bromeliads & other shallow-rooted things.) So, I have officially begun work on the front yard!

I planted:

2 blueberry bushes (one even has blueberries already on it!), a mulberry (yummy memories of childhood here) & a starfruit tree

digital vs. analog

After numerous attempts, I have finally achieved what I once thought to be an impossible task: reading a Thomas Pynchon novel. Admittedly, his shortest and "most accessible", yet I still feel some pride at actually getting through it - and more than that, enjoying it. At first I tried reading it in small chunks, letting the page-long sentences wash over me without trying to figure out what was going on. Excruciating method that I do not recommend. Finally, this weekend I decided to read it for real, going back to the beginning, reading aloud the interminable sentences until I began at last to get into the rhythm of his writing. Once that happened, the book flowed along more easily and I began to catch glimpses of the elusive idea.

[Here's a sample of the long, involved sentences:

Maybe to excess: how could he not, seeing people poorer than him come in, Negro, Mexican, cracker, a parade seven days a week, bringing the most godawful of trade-ins: motorized, metal extensions of themselves, of their families and what their whole lives must be like, out there so naked for anybody, a stranger like himself, to look at, frame cockeyed, rusty underneath, fender repainted in a shade just off enough to depress the value, if not Mucho himself, inside smelling hopelessly of children, supermarket booze, two sometimes three generations of cigarette smokers, or only of dust — and when the cars were swept out you had to look at the actual residue of these lives, and there was no way of telling what things had been truly refused (when so little he supposed came by that out of fear most of it had to be taken and kept) and what had simply (perhaps tragically) been lost: clipped coupons promising savings of 5 or 10¢, trading stamps, pink flyers advertising specials at the markets, butts, tooth-shy combs, help-wanted ads, Yellow Pages torn from the phone book, rags of old underwear or dresses that already were period costumes, for wiping your own breath of the inside of a windshield with so you could see whatever it was, a movie, a woman or car you coveted, a cop who might pull you over just for drill, all the bits and pieces uniformly, like a salad of despair, in a gray dressing of ash, condensed exhaust, dust, body wastes — it made him sick to look, but he had to look. (Pynchon, The Crying of Lot 49, 4-5)

Yes. That was all one sentence.]

I still cannot say that I got it. The entire experience was similar to what I imagine an acid trip to be like: nothing I can quite pinpoint but an overall, overwhelming sense of seeing an idea much larger than myself. The crux was a passage in which Oedipa (the protagonist) is trying to figure out whether the entire series of events were fabrication (an elaborate hoax or hallucination) or fact. She is certain that one or the other must be true since that is the matrix of life: ones or zeroes, life or death, paranoia or reality. And yet, since this is never resolved, one is left with the third possibility of something that is neither one nor the other — She had heard all about the excluded middles; they were bad shit, to be avoided...

gardening quandary

I noticed yesterday morning that one of my pentas was looking unusually bedraggled in spots. Haven't had rain in a couple of weeks so I thought that might be the problem...but the other pentas in the yard all looked fine. Upon closer inspection, I found TWO huge caterpillars happily munching away. They are pretty funky-looking with 2 huge black spots which are, I think, to scare birds into thinking they are much larger than they are, and then a series of circles down their back.The coolest part of their camouflage is that they can look like a dead leaf hanging from the plant. So now the quandary. A good butterfly garden has good host plants for them to lay their eggs...and will have caterpillars. My reading on the subject suggests planting in large quantities for this very reason and just assume that you will lose some to bugs & caterpillars. Eventually a balance will be achieved as natural predators invade, etc. It's so hard to do though when I have a plant that I feel so personally invested in though!

For the moment I'm going to let them be since the plant seems to be fine except for those 2 areas. Plus, it seems to have survived this before since I can remember it looking this way in other years.

In other gardening news, I'm checking out a place this afternoon that I found online and that just happens to be over in St. Pete! (Jene's Tropical Fruit) It looks like they have both the perennial peanut there AND blueberry bushes! I am very excited :)

rain gardening

For the past few weekends, I've been working on putting in a little rain garden near the downspout. That area constantly floods when I have rain, particularly if it rains for an extended period of time - or heavily - and it never fails to flood the back porch as well. Briefly tried a rain barrel there but the location is not ideal - neither in terms of convenience or for the obstructed view!

The idea behind the rain garden is to dig out a depression and then fill it with plants and other elements that allow the excess water to soak into the ground, rather than simply eroding away the topsoil. They can be as elaborate or simple as you want to make them. (I just read about a cool system they have at the Permaculture Institute of Northern California that uses greywater in a similar way, eventually ending in a pond, complete with ducks & koi. )

Step 1:
Dug out the area for the rain garden. Not as extensive as I would've liked due to the inevitable roots in my way! For the most part, I filled the area with ferns & other plants transplanted from another corner of the yard but I did pick up some lilies to include.

lillies purchased from a local garden fairtransplanted ferns

Step 2:
Sheet mulched the surrounding area to build up the soil and allow me to plant ground cover. This should further define the rain garden area and also prevent dirt from filling the area back up. The added mulch in the rain garden itself should help hold in water for the water-loving plants - plus it makes it less apparent that it is actually about a foot deeper than the rest.

so far the transplants seem to be holding up!

Step 3:
The first rain since the garden has been installed! Seems to be working. Water has collected into the depressions and NO flooding on the porch, despite almost continuous rain since last night. Hooray! Now I just need the area to fill in with greenery and hopefully it will be a beautiful addition to the garden.

Anyone reading this (thankfully, an unlikely scenario) will begin to wonder at the frequency with which spiders are mentioned in this blog...but I had another encounter with one that has made me think...and gave me a tiny insight into the concept of grace.

I was washing up and (luckily for the spider) before I began to run the water, I noticed a small spider down in the basin. I switched to the other side, all the while keeping an eye on her to see what she would do next. During the course of rinsing of dishes, etc, the poor thing tried repeatedly to climb up the wall of the sink and kept falling down. The thoughts of her slowly starving to death or worse, being inadvertently killed when I next washed dishes, were too unsettling so I determined to "rescue" her. I tried the first thing at hand - a fork - which she did *not* like and scurried away from, even when presented with the handled end.

After several other implements were tried and rejected by said spider, I finally hit upon the drain stopper and that met with her approval. I airlifted her to the counter and watched with satisfaction as she scurried off to the corner, probably never to venture out to the world of the sink again. It made me think of my biggest roadblock to believing in God - that I cannot fathom an infinite being of a vast universe concerning itself with such a small and inconsequential planet such as Earth, much less one of the billions of beings that inhabit it. Obviously, I am much more closely connected to the spider in terms of scale than this being would be to me but still, it made me think that perhaps such a thing could be possible.

easter (garden update)

Thought you'd like a peak at how my garden grows!

tomatoes-to-be

strawberries...now if they'll just blossom!

good news?

Well, I have discovered that it wasn't a *black* widow that I had in that trash can last year. No, it was a brown widow. I discovered this because I have another one that I found as I was taking apart this old bird bath I had hanging around (I wanted to re-use the top for something else). Ugh. It still gives me the shivers. I didn't see her at first as she was balled up under the rim (although I was suspicious because the egg sacs looked so similar to the last time) so I blithely carried the bird bath out to the curb.

brown widow - eggs & markings

Realized later in the day that there definitely was a spider there - quite a large one, in fact. But still not too concerned b/c I could plainly see that is was brown and not black and that it had stripes on it's legs. Took a look at her with the headlights then when I got home just now. She had come out from being under the rim and was stretched out right in the middle of her web. I could see quite clearly that she had an orange/red marking on her abdomen and had that weird body shape that black widows have. Still, I thought, the striped legs, the brown body - surely it's an angiope.

angiope

Came inside to look up angiopes online. Definitely not the same spider. Then I thought to look up brown widows which I remembered hearing about earlier this year. Sure enough, brown widows also have striped legs and their color ranges from a light brown to an almost black - although they can get very dark markings and can sometimes be mistaken for a black widow. But the way you can tell them apart is that the brown widow has a spiky egg sac (see picture above). So that must have been a brown widow before b/c that was exactly what those eggs looked like then.

Apparently they are very prevalent in this area (http://sarasota.extension.ufl.edu/IPM/BrownWidow.htm) and their venom is twice as potent as the black widow. Isn't that nice? Luckily they are much less aggressive than the black widow and more likely to choose "flight" over "fight" which is probably why I haven't had a problem with them...other than scaring me 1/2 to death.

Not sure what to do about it now though. Should I kill it? I feel like I should so that the trash guy doesn't get hurt but now I'm nervous to go near it. (Which seems silly considering I carried it from the back yard to the front earlier AND was practically handling it when I was taking it apart.) I am never going to be able to get to sleep tonight - especially without being able to read!

UPDATE (3/23):
Well, I have killed it. Felt horrible because the spray (which I found in the garage from the previous owners) didn't work very quickly so I had to watch prolonged death throes, feeling more and more guilty all the while.

Here's a picture of her before her untimely death (most of her is still hidden under the edge):

reading deprivation

So I finally ran out of excuses to start the week of no reading (& other media). I made it through day 2 (since technically this is day 3 already). Only 4-1/2 more to go!

Came very close to giving up - or at least calling a time out - this afternoon and came to the realization that my intense urge to read was not, in fact, because I was bored (this is what I'd assumed would be my downfall) but the result of a stressful conversation with Mom (not stressful b/c of her; rather due to the topic).

The weird thing about it is that the desire to just read a book was so overwhelming - and I didn't make the connection between the stress and the desire until I was journaling afterwards. I knew that I used books as an escape but I hadn't realized that it was so unconscious!

Hoping that the rest of the week gets easier.

my newest babies

I think I am proudest of this latest "crop circle" as everything in here (saving the tomato plant in the middle) has been grown from seed (organic seed at that). I am particularly excited to start being able to enjoy the dill. Yummy.

clockwise, starting from the bottom: rosemary bush, dill, chives & leeks

with a beefsteak tomato plant, smack dab in the middle

the dill seems to realize how anxiously i'm awaiting it's fruition