getting easier

I got some reusable bags (you can get them for free at Small Steps for Better Living) last summer and at first it was difficult to (1) remember to bring them with me and (2) ask clerks to use the bags I brought rather than the plastic bags they brought with them. I typically got rolled eyes and sometimes (which was the worst!) they would proceed to THROW AWAY the bag they had already gotten out to use. Argh.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that as the idea has become a little more common, sales people are becoming much nicer about it and it has become such a habit for me that I have now been 1 full month without receiving any disposable bags. Perhaps not the euphoric bliss evidently felt by the woman in orange in the picture above but feels good nonetheless.

I keep thinking of something that lenon said to me the other day. Along the lines that God exists as a kind of karmic force in the universe, making things come together for people, basically working for the good. This also goes along with the (central?) theory behind The Artist's Way (e.g.,"As we open our creative channel to the creator, many gentle but powerful changes are to be expected." and "...when we move out on faith into the act of creation, the universe is able to advance.")

I can understand this argument and in fact, I think the basic principle is true; I just don't know that I believe it is true due to the existence of God. Similar to the effect of prayer or meditation, I think that what actually happens is by praying/meditating/chanting affirmations/what have you, we start to expect positive results and to watching and waiting for them so that as soon as an opportunity presents itself, we are ready to act.

I think that it's similar to finding one's way by acting subconsciously rather than consciously. There is certainly a great deal to the universe and to human abilities that are still unexplored. Look at how little medical science knows about the human brain. Perhaps religion somehow taps into some as-yet-unexplained mental abilities? Either way, it does not seem to be to be a sufficient argument for god's existence.

Spent most of the weekend's daylight hours (as much as I could spare from obligations) in the backyard. I spent several hours this afternoon watching butterflies zero in on the choicest flowers, trying to discover the secret to their flight pattern. Then a bird made a minute inspection of the good orange tree; I wondered if it was looking for a nest location since it seemed to spend a great deal of time looking at the nest left there by a previous occupant. There seemed to be quite a large number of birds hanging out this afternoon. Seemed to be around 20 or so just in the laurel oak at any given moment.

I am feeling a bit of relief and also a great deal of sadness too - this morning I spoke to Tommy re: my decision to step down from the leadership team. He was quite understanding and said that he had gone through a similar crisis a year or so ago. It was difficult to do and, like last time, I almost chickened out at the last minute due to the feelings I always experience after singing. But overall, I think it was the right decision to make - mostly for my own mental well-being. I hate feeling like I am living a lie and that is exactly how I'd been feeling the past few months.

weekend update

Spent most of the weekend's daylight hours (as much as I could spare from obligations) in the backyard. I spent several hours this afternoon watching butterflies zero in on the choicest flowers, trying to discover the secret to their flight pattern. Then a bird made a minute inspection of the good orange tree; I wondered if it was looking for a nest location since it seemed to spend a great deal of time looking at the nest left there by a previous occupant. There seemed to be quite a large number of birds hanging out this afternoon. Seemed to be around 20 or so just in the laurel oak at any given moment.

So I am giving up on Ward's Case for Religion. Instead I've started in on Carl Sagan's The Varieties of Scientific Experience which has been absolutely amazing so far. [It is basically the transcripts from the Gifford Lecture series he did in 1985.] Practically every sentence feels as though it is saying the things that I have been trying to put into thought for years.

In an attempt to balance out this overemphasis on the rational/logical, I am also going through The Artist's Way which I found to be so life-changing last summer. I think the "morning pages" are the real secret. Something about writing those thoughts down first thing in the morning helps me think through what I'm doing and what I want out of the day, life, work, etc. It does seem to be helping me to put out little roots of stability, I think.

I've also been doing a lot of work out in the garden which is always extremely therapeutic for me. Things are finally starting to recover from that freeze we had in January. I think I could spend hours observing the bugs & butterflies, listening to the birds and just marveling at the way things develop and grow.

garden therapy

So I am giving up on Ward's Case for Religion. Instead I've started in on Carl Sagan's The Varieties of Scientific Experience which has been absolutely amazing so far. [It is basically the transcripts from the Gifford Lecture series he did in 1985.] Practically every sentence feels as though it is saying the things that I have been trying to put into thought for years.

In an attempt to balance out this overemphasis on the rational/logical, I am also going through The Artist's Way which I found to be so life-changing last summer. I think the "morning pages" are the real secret. Something about writing those thoughts down first thing in the morning helps me think through what I'm doing and what I want out of the day, life, work, etc. It does seem to be helping me to put out little roots of stability, I think.

I've also been doing a lot of work out in the garden which is always extremely therapeutic for me. Things are finally starting to recover from that freeze we had in January. I think I could spend hours observing the bugs & butterflies, listening to the birds and just marveling at the way things develop and grow.

I'm reading a new book entitled The Case for Religion by Keith Ward. So far (and to be honest this isn't very far at all), his arguments seem to primarily rest on showing the longevity of religious beliefs and the vast number of people who have believed in various religions. And so far, his arguments are striking me the same way that many of the arguments from many Christians around have: purely personal and therefore difficult for me to believe.

Don't get me wrong. I understand the argument from personal experience. I have FELT personal experiences that seemed to be miraculous, moments of God reaching out to humanity in a way that seemed could only be from God. But I guess I'm just too jaded (especially after being in marketing!) to trust that kind of thing. It's so easy to be misled and/or swayed by emotion and I can just as easily be swayed into negative feelings. I just don't trust them to be any indicator of truth.

So I cannot rely on what I feel or even what I think I've seen. And I certainly cannot trust what other people tell them from their own personal experience. Martyrs are/were absolutely convinced in order to die for their beliefs. But people die all the time for inaccuracies and untruths. Even listing all the intelligent people who have come before me who have believed does not convince me.

Here's hoping that subsequent chapters will provide arguments with a little more *meat*!

My current "investigation" is into the questions of the Bible and inaccuracies. The more I read, the more I find it difficult to explain them away. Some tenets of Christian doctrine that many take issue with I do not consider to be critical to my faith (such as the virgin birth) and therefore am not disillusioned to find that most likely the old testament writings referred simply to a young girl rather than a "virgin" (although this does not seem to be much by way of sign...but whatever).

Outrights untruths though are another matter. I do not know what to do with the historical fact that Herod died four years before Quirinius began his rule or that there is no record of a census/tax anywhere around that time, particularly one requiring people to journey back to their city of origin (which always seemed odd to me in any event). The obvious conclusion seems to be that the writers of the gospels were tailoring their story to fit in with the prophecies concerning the Messiah (i.e., that he would be born in Bethlehem) rather than relating the actual story. I'm having a very hard time reconciling this to what I have always believed: namely, that God's word, while not primarily a historical document, would nonetheless prove to be true to the extent that the human (and therefore fallible) authors were capable. I expect inaccuracies of the sort of an imperfect understanding of science, but the above reeks of manipulation and outright charlatanism.

Perhaps the solution, as has been suggested to me now by a whole range of friends and acquaintances, is to accept that the Bible is not inerrant but to view it as I would the words and works of more contemporary Christians - imperfect and broken tools that God uses to His glory in spite of themselves.

Atheism is not a proof that God does not exist. Instead it is the assertion that theism does not provide an adequate proof of the existence of God.(Dawkins)

Our belief is not a belief. Our principles are not a faith. We do not rely solely upon science & reason, because these are necessary rather than sufficient factors, but we distrust anything that contradicts science or outrages reason. (Hitchens, God Is Not Great, p.5)

So this brings me to the crux of my problem: while I have no problem believing that there is god, much of the Bible "contradicts science or outrages reason" so many times. And yes, I know the verse about God's wisdom being wiser than the wisdom of the world but to be honest, this just seems like a bit of a cop-out in my present frame of mind. I keep coming back to the thought that if humans are created in God's image (and given the whole "God is a spirit" doctrine, I'm assuming that's spiritual image rather than bodily), why wouldn't it make sense? Yes, acting in faith can be a spiritual experience but why wouldn't the overall framework fit together? It's one thing to believe that there is a God, that he wants a personal relationship with humans - but why would there be huge discrepancies in the revelation he gave us then?

I am now 2 more books into my search (Kenneth Miller's Finding Darwin's God and Christopher Hitchins' God Is Not Great; I also read Swinburne's Is There a God? in there but didn't find anything new/enlightening) and have reached the tenuous conclusion that there is a god of some sort - in the sense that there is some supernatural being who is eternal and upon whose existence the laws of the universe are based.

Of course, since this is not much more than calling the constants "god", I'm not sure how much progress this is but it feels like a start.